Sunday, 30 August 2015

DAY 70


It’s day 70 and it’s almost September. I make this remark often but – where has the time gone? Isn’t it terrifying yet exhilarating that everything ends so quickly? I have only thirty days left to write on this blog before the end. But is it really the end? We’ll have to wait until Day 100.

I still feel fifteen years old. I will always feel much younger than I am, I feel like I have such little understanding of the world and yet I can accept the massive responsibility I have in this world. I’ve experienced so much but in the grand spectrum of being – I guess I’ve not experienced enough. I’m convinced, or rather I know that I will die young – I will not grow old and see out my days. There’ll be a point where the struggle within myself is too much or my body gives up. People forget the trauma my body has went through and still I won’t get an oophorectomy. I’m going to live out the rest of my days and if I die, I die.

I’m such a selfish person but I am not afraid of dying anymore. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the quality of my life, I’ve accepted that it’s everybody’s route out of here and it happens to anyone at any time. What I am scared of, potentially, is not having things sorted out in time – so there are steps I take to satisfy this. I make sure the people around me know I love them, I leave a legacy in the form of this blog and things I’ve written in my diary, I create a presence that is still there even when I’m not. If you’re thinking I’m preparing my death because I’m committing suicide or something, have no fear – I have no intentions, I’m very happy and this is not to speak morbidly… it’s to accept death and running out of time - a fundamental part of living.

It’s been whispered a thousand times, but the problem is we always think we have more time. If I were to live like many I see around me, I would just waste away. I feel like everyday that I go on – I’m securing myself a future and buying myself more time. I wish I was Peter Pan, but we can’t all be Disney characters.

It’s almost cliché but the phrase ‘Live like there’s no tomorrow’, rings so true and I don’t think people pay attention to it enough. Like I said yesterday, if people realised how temporary everything is – they would really savour their moments. Had I known the moments I spent with the family members, friends and even partners were my last, they would’ve been so much more intense and beautiful. Those moments probably wouldn’t signify the end, if I knew before how it’d feel to be alone and how living felt without their influence – I would’ve fought harder. For the people around me who had died, I would’ve done more. I’ve been unfortunate enough to lose 2 very close friends in my life. Coral, a beautiful childhood friend who was in a car accident. Cara, a nineteen year old confidante who got really sick and died in hospital. I remember when I heard about Cara being in a coma I texted saying:
“Hey, I’ve heard you’re in hospital and I hope you’re going to be okay. When you’re better we can meet up because I haven’t contacted you enough recently! See you soon”
But I never got to see her, because I foolishly presumed that this moment was temporary and that I was going to see her again and nothing would’ve changed.

That’s the thing, it all changes. We could all be having a great day then a Tsunami kills us. A plane from an airshow crashes down and kills us. A fireball explosion kills us. An earthquake kills us. This is the world, and this happens. But then, you could win the lottery. You could get lucky with a business idea. You could find your soulmate. You could have a child, when the doctors said you never could have. I don’t know the odds on all these things, but the ratio to me seems 50:50 – something amazing could happen, something awful could happen.

If life is so temporary, why don’t we focus on the fantastic? Live for a miracle. I’m living my miracle where every day I am alive and surrounded by love, it’s a miracle because I never thought I’d get to this place. You know that bad things happen and that our lives could be detracted at any point. So live! You know it’s all you have and it could all end – if I gave you a pile of money and gave you ten seconds, wouldn’t you try and grab as much as you can? That’s exactly like life – you are timed, so get as much out of life as you possibly can.



You think you have time, but you don’t. Try and get out of bed, the world is so beautiful – you just need to go out and see it. Things are much better than they seem.



Enjoy this little clip! P.S. It's quite creepy!