DAY 71

Today I met my aunties after not seeing them for years. I see my auntie Yvonne much more than I have seen my auntie Yvette, who I hadn't met since I was a baby. It was lovely catching up and sharing more about my family history as my dad is very quiet about that sort of thing. It's a shame that my dad's side of the family is so broken. I wish we had more communication and were able to identify more as a united family.

So I had a good day today albeit, a very long day. I was exhausted afterwards and so I'm struggling right now to write this blog post.

I did something new today that I hadn't done before - I went out of my comfort zone to meet people who were almost strangers but that was okay. I even broke my 'no-hugging' rule. As usual when I came home I was attacked by the happiness of Daisy, who acted like she hadn't seen me in three years. Considering I spent all week with her, I think she got very attached to me being around. She is such a darling though and it's nice to be appreciated so intensely.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with my boyfriend and we're going out, it's his day off and I haven't seen him for a week so we're just chilling - hopefully going to grab some good food.

I wish I had more to say, I'm just very exhausted. I'm really sorry these blog posts have been shorter than my normal essays. I think when I'm happy there is less to report, the hallucinations I'm having are still strong along with the horrible nightmares. I just feel like I've mentioned things a lot and I don't want you to think 'Oh, she's talking about THAT again'. I just have a very obsessive mind and I seem to go over the same things day in - day out. I'm glad I'm finding this space to relax and everyday I feel a little closer to normality, once I'm back at university - I think it'll clear that right up, but then again that's where the stress comes in. I hope I'll be okay.

DAY 70

It’s day 70 and it’s almost September. I make this remark often but – where has the time gone? Isn’t it terrifying yet exhilarating that everything ends so quickly? I have only thirty days left to write on this blog before the end. But is it really the end? We’ll have to wait until Day 100.

I still feel fifteen years old. I will always feel much younger than I am, I feel like I have such little understanding of the world and yet I can accept the massive responsibility I have in this world. I’ve experienced so much but in the grand spectrum of being – I guess I’ve not experienced enough. I’m convinced, or rather I know that I will die young – I will not grow old and see out my days. There’ll be a point where the struggle within myself is too much or my body gives up. People forget the trauma my body has went through and still I won’t get an oophorectomy. I’m going to live out the rest of my days and if I die, I die.

I’m such a selfish person but I am not afraid of dying anymore. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the quality of my life, I’ve accepted that it’s everybody’s route out of here and it happens to anyone at any time. What I am scared of, potentially, is not having things sorted out in time – so there are steps I take to satisfy this. I make sure the people around me know I love them, I leave a legacy in the form of this blog and things I’ve written in my diary, I create a presence that is still there even when I’m not. If you’re thinking I’m preparing my death because I’m committing suicide or something, have no fear – I have no intentions, I’m very happy and this is not to speak morbidly… it’s to accept death and running out of time - a fundamental part of living.

It’s been whispered a thousand times, but the problem is we always think we have more time. If I were to live like many I see around me, I would just waste away. I feel like everyday that I go on – I’m securing myself a future and buying myself more time. I wish I was Peter Pan, but we can’t all be Disney characters.

It’s almost cliché but the phrase ‘Live like there’s no tomorrow’, rings so true and I don’t think people pay attention to it enough. Like I said yesterday, if people realised how temporary everything is – they would really savour their moments. Had I known the moments I spent with the family members, friends and even partners were my last, they would’ve been so much more intense and beautiful. Those moments probably wouldn’t signify the end, if I knew before how it’d feel to be alone and how living felt without their influence – I would’ve fought harder. For the people around me who had died, I would’ve done more. I’ve been unfortunate enough to lose 2 very close friends in my life. Coral, a beautiful childhood friend who was in a car accident. Cara, a nineteen year old confidante who got really sick and died in hospital. I remember when I heard about Cara being in a coma I texted saying:
“Hey, I’ve heard you’re in hospital and I hope you’re going to be okay. When you’re better we can meet up because I haven’t contacted you enough recently! See you soon”

But I never got to see her, because I foolishly presumed that this moment was temporary and that I was going to see her again and nothing would’ve changed.

That’s the thing, it all changes. We could all be having a great day then a Tsunami kills us. A plane from an airshow crashes down and kills us. A fireball explosion kills us. An earthquake kills us. This is the world, and this happens. But then, you could win the lottery. You could get lucky with a business idea. You could find your soulmate. You could have a child, when the doctors said you never could have. I don’t know the odds on all these things, but the ratio to me seems 50:50 – something amazing could happen, something awful could happen.

If life is so temporary, why don’t we focus on the fantastic? Live for a miracle. I’m living my miracle where every day I am alive and surrounded by love, it’s a miracle because I never thought I’d get to this place. You know that bad things happen and that our lives could be detracted at any point. So live! You know it’s all you have and it could all end – if I gave you a pile of money and gave you ten seconds, wouldn’t you try and grab as much as you can? That’s exactly like life – you are timed, so get as much out of life as you possibly can.

You think you have time, but you don’t. Try and get out of bed, the world is so beautiful – you just need to go out and see it. Things are much better than they seem.

Enjoy this little clip! P.S. It's quite creepy!

DAY 69

So last night I dyed my hair, it was potentially the worst hair disaster I have personally had. So last time I used a new product (this was 4 months ago, yes 4 months of regrowth! My scalp felt holy!) I had a patchy experience but I thought it was just down to me. I realised that the paste was really thick and hard to distribute but I just had to adjust to using a new product since my last one was discontinued.

So since I left my hair 4 months instead of 2, I bought two boxes of dye/lightener. I was so anxious to dye my hair because I worried I’d left my roots so long it’d make my job more difficult (and oh boy it did!). Forgetting that this paste is so thick, I spread it through my hair and I felt it was pretty covered/evenly applied. Then it developed – the top as presumed going light blonde immediately, the bottom of the root still it’s natural brown. I applied more and left it, almost all my hair was blonde but still brown bits! I thought I’d wait a little longer – pushing my 45 minute waiting time. Time was up and I was like… I’m going to start losing my hair from this point so I better wash it out. I washed it out – NIGHTMARE. Beautiful blonde roots with brown patches. It wasn’t even subtle, it looked like I had accidentally gotten mascara in my hair everywhere.

From this point I had two choices: 1. Dye my whole head brown/dark blonde. Risk: Bleached hair can go green, I loved my haircolour too and if I went darker the only way to go back would be a full bleach and I wouldn’t be able to do that without damaging it.

2. Just go with it

3. Tentatively bleach the little brown bits again. Risk: Major breakage if in contact with previously bleached hair – only way to correct would be to shave my hair.

I decided just to bleach my hair again. I did it really carefully and didn’t leave it on long, I saw some breakage at the top but at this point I was like ‘damn it, I’m gonna keep going – I’ll gel my flyaways!’. I washed it off – looking in the sink like… oh god my hairs all going to wash out. I still had dark parts – but more of a golden blonde – so I thought… bugger it! I’ll tone it! Went with my toner, through the darker parts first then the rest. Finished result? Still patchy but MUCH less noticeable, it’s potentially liveable – I refuse to go and bleach again to correct it. So what I’m going to do is lighten it for a few weeks with lemon juice just to bring them up, I think they’re only 1 shade darker, because it’s quite ashy I need to look at lightening rather than toning.

So the patchiness I have is VERY subtle, I’ve dealt with patchiness before and it just blends out eventually – or the next time I do my roots I give it a dab. So I feel like it’s been a success, not a whole success – but better. What does this mean now? Well I need to hunt for a new product again. I only use drugstore because the bleach from Sallys is so strong and I genuinely don’t trust myself, so I get watered down lighteners since I do naturally have a blonde/light brown shade.

I was so so so so scared to do my hair and then this major disaster happens. I’ve had bleached hair for 4 years and my hair is in good condition, I’ve never had a huge problem – little things like wrong tone or like a tiny patch which is easy to sort. This time it just didn’t take too well to me, and I fully think it’s the wrong dye – I shouldn’t have gave it the benefit of the doubt because it was truly awful.

I’m glad I don’t have to do this for the next 2 months.

I hope you enjoyed today’s blog post, I would’ve posted last night but I was to busy having a hair disaster. It really upset me! But I didn’t cry which is fab! I also took the idea of a full shaven head on the chin, because personally I’ve always wanted a shaved hairstyle! Now I need to watch what happens over the next few weeks and try to improve these little patches!

I hope you’re having a better day than me, and from this experience I just want you to know – nothing is permanent. Time is a massive healer! If I goosed up all my hair, heck – it’d grow back. I have alopecia anyway, so I can’t be attatched to my hair too much.

In other advice, don’t bleach your hair unless you’re a brave person who doesn’t mind a shaven haircut.

<3

DAY 68

I'm so desperately trying to find normality and balance in my life and it's proving very difficult. I'm getting stuck in a rut of exercise and puppy sitting. I don't want to go out because I've not dyed my hair, but I've not dyed my hair because I have weird anxiety somethings going to go wrong - even though I've did it since I was 16. Even just tidying up again would probably help, but with the puppy I just don't have time to do full organization because my dad can't look after her himself at the moment. I believe I've gotten into a small rut, where I've became someone I don't really like. I can't stop playing games... I'm becoming so indoorsy that it's irritating me. Yes I walk 7 miles outside everyday, but then I just come in and get excited to watch Emmerdale. I've stopped talking to friends as frequently, I've not went out with company much at all this week and I know I've only been in this rut for maybe 5 days but it's killing me. I need to go out and socialise, how do people cope with this?

Luckily enough I have lunch planned for Sunday so I have to force myself to leave the house because I've agreed to it. I stopped working because it was ruining my health, and now as I sit at home trying to feel better - it's making it worse. My boyfriend has a new job too so basically I never get to speak to/see him. I think I'm just aching to go back to university, I so desperately want to go back and be that constant busy again... every single day. I really need to work in a place I'm comfortable and then I'll find normality. Or, I need a holiday... something exotic.

I will admit that blogging is giving me a sense of normality, a really warped sense but a sense none-the-less. I'm sorry I can't talk more, but I just feel a little dry. I think I need a kick up the back side or for someone to jump in and make me do things before I become a social recluse.

DAY 67

Today I’m feeling good, continuing with my diet and exercise. Doing a lot of preparatory work. I thought I’d discuss, or answer something that is asked of me numerous times every single day.

How do you stay so positive?

I’ll start off by saying I’m not, if anyone tries to feed you the shit that they are positive 100% of the time then don’t take it because they’re lying. I am delightfully human outside of my mental illnesses. I have good days and I have bad, for me I just have to make sure those bad days don’t become consistently awful days… or the good days don’t become euphorically excellent days. I want everyday to be a good day, so I tell myself everyday is a good day. When I’m not having a good day – I tell myself tomorrow will be a good day.

I think my life is so full of negative experiences that I have no choice but to be positive. I’m probably a death away from being crowned the Queen of the worst luck. Both my mental and physical health are awful, my family life is strained and in general my life has had a lot of bad turns. You only see me being positive, and I will be the first to be honest and say it isn’t always as good as it looks.

I have some truly awful days. I just don’t feel the need to consistently tell social media, you don’t see me when I’m feeling low (outside of the blog). I balance accepting and talking about having a bad day with having a good tomorrow. Sometimes the action of smiling itself can elevate your mood, so even if you don’t feel like it – Smile! You’ll feel the benefits of what you’re doing and so will others.

This one girl (she’s entirely duplicitous) tried to shame me for talking about things I dislike that I was so negative – and I don’t think that’s right. I think we all have an entitlement to feel great and feel crap. We shouldn’t really be standing and shouting ‘Oi, you’re a negative Nelly’ – we should be cheering each other up. Damn, it’s just so annoying that people can’t be supportive of each other or even friendly. Gross!

What you see of other people in their social media as well is not an accurate depiction of their life, I think we should all know that by now. I come across as positive because that’s what I put out there, anyone can do that. It doesn’t mean I’m any better of a person than you, I think I’ve just learned that being optimistic and encouraging is the best sort of engagement to have with others – even those I don’t entirely like. The strongest power you can have is being good in the face of evil, no ulterior motives than just being kind when it’s really difficult. This world is full of selfish and mendacious people. The best thing you can do? Be nice to them. Damn it, be so nice to them sunshine starts pouring out the crack of your ass.

On the Internet particularly, it seems people are so out for the vilification of one another. If I say anything even remotely dumb, you can bet there are 100 people typing out a witty insult to me. I have such good damage control because I am quite clever and built with experience, but the best way to act in a negative situation is always to be positive. Just be kind, it’s so easy to be kind yet so difficult. You are stronger for choosing positivity, if there are people who want to calumniate each other then bloody let them!

At the end of the day if people want to sit an be negative or worse – act positive with negative means or intention through bitterness – then let them. I found certain people I had arguments with, no sugar coating, were plain unintelligent. To delve into that negativity too and entertain them, well I was just making myself look stupid. Positivity IS taking the high road and it does no damage, do it for yourself!

Be good to others even if they are not good to you. Be good to the world even if it’s not good to you. Don’t be bitter - be pleasant. Don’t be selfish - be grateful. Do things because they are good, not because you think it’ll rise your social status and not because you want to get back at another. Forget the bad things that happened a long time ago, dwelling isn’t doing anything – it’s just slowing you down. The world isn’t full of bad people, just good people who are a little lost. You have a world of potential, if only you’d be kind.

Have clean thinking your world will honestly be turned upside down.

I hope you’re all having a lovely evening and I’ll check in with you lot tomorrow. Keep positive!

DAY 66

Today I had a long day of dogsitting and feeling bored. I wanted to go out so desperately but I have to stay out of the sun and I can't walk the dog either because she's in heat, then there's the point my knee has seized up again and it's totally sore.

I’ve been continuing my difficult diet as many know I am a pollo-pescetarian – although I predominately eat veg with very occasional chicken/fish consumption. I loathe red meat it’s just so bad for you other that the iron, which you can easily get from vegetables. Me and my partner have fully stopped really unhealthy foods and we’ve also stopped snacking. I’m not allowed any form of candy, chocolate etc and I’m allowed one dessert a week as a treat – but even still, I need to watch my calorie consumption in there. I eat less than 1400 calories a day now and I exercise a ton. When I exercise I eat more than the 1400, but on lazy days like today I really hold back on my eating.

Why, you ask? I want to be healthy and I want to stay healthy. Yes I am already super slim, but I need to put in extra effort now that I’ve been on lithium for a few months as it’s making me gain weight much more easily. I’m just about healthy weight at the moment, but with my body type – I can be underweight and still healthy. That sounds ridiculous right? Basically I have a ‘tiny frame’, so underweight is okay for me – the BMI system doesn’t really apply well to my body as I have the “supermodel” type. It sounds much more glamorous than it is, basically I’m tall and really slender.

Putting myself on a strict diet, which I’ve been doing for a good while, really helps me focus and look after myself. It’s so difficult believe me! I’m so used to eating chocolate consistently, but cutting it out means I’m much healthier than I’ve ever been. When I continue my daily gym routine, I may treat myself to the odd kinder bueno, but until I’m hitting optimal exercise mode then I’m not letting dirty calories sit in my body no matter how delicious. Considering I have a super great metabolism, it doesn’t change much size-wise in my body – but it’s bad for my heart and my organs. Also, before I was ‘skinny fat’. Loads of girls are! People who pig out but don’t do optimum exercise, who are slim but with generous cellulite/stretch marks tend to be this ‘skinny fat’. Not that that’s a bad thing! It’s just a sign that people aren’t as healthy as they look. I think everyone should look the way they want to and for me I wanted to get away from being close to skinny fat and being much more toned.

I guess I’m blessed with a good body type, when I gain weight too it goes 2 places – boobs and butt. I have retained a tiny waist throughout every diet, good or bad. But I’m also cautious that I can be unhealthier than I look, having a fast metabolism does that. That’s why people who are skinny fat tend to have adult acne, because the snacking and things they do ruins their skin. My sister was so slim it was unbelievable but she ate everything. She had really bad skin, more than likely because she ate all these bad foods.

I suffered from cystic acne last year when I was depressed, basically my anxiety was so bad it caused me a lot of stress and it came out in my skin. I also had a ‘good’ diet at that point, however I treated myself to sweets and chocolate. To get rid of this was difficult, I was prescribed strong drugs and I changed my diet. Obviously the biggest savior was minimizing my stress, but diet must’ve helped out.

I’m now back to beautifully clear skin, and I VERY RARELY get a blemish. But then I was also “Blessed” with a nasty case of freckling, so I guess that compensates having good skin.

Why am I talking about this all today? I don’t know, I just feel like it really helps me out and helps me deal with my life. It’s so mentally difficult to diet – trust me, I had a day last week where I ate two chocolate wagon wheels – but I’ve been doing much better in managing hunger. I think portion sizes are important too, that’s why I calorie count. I never wanted to because I worried that I’d become obsessed – throwback to my eating disorder – but by taking my snacking off and eating PROPER sized portions, I’m really keeping healthy. I see so many instagram meals like “healthy dinner” but the meal is so bloody huge that it’s all 3 meals in one. So dieting requires balance and determination.

All the way through this blogpost I’ve been dreaming about kinder bueno. Yummy, maybe I’ll have a cheat day later in the week.

Oh, and know whats particularly difficult? My aunties invited me to Sunday lunch… at an ALL YOU CAN EAT buffet! I can tell I am not going to get my moneys worth. Usually I view those places like a challenge but I guess I can’t this time. One dessert instead of three I guess.

I hope this was a nice insight for you, remember – opinions are my own, I’m not a professional and I’m just saying that these things work for me. Maybe see a doctor before you do something drastic like I did. I wanted to become a full-time vegetarian, but my doctors recommended I continued eating white meat. So I feel guilty when I eat chicken/fish, but I do it VERY occasionally to give me a much richer protein intake which I need because of my ‘dodgy’ bloods.

P.S apologies about the font change, no idea how to fix it!