DAY 17

Today I feel a little tired, I just want to talk and everyone is doing something. I decided to stop my bipolar meds, at least for tonight. I don't think they're working.

I really want to be positive it's just im not motivated to be. I really want to be motivated, I just can't.

I would also like to apologise the Internet is making these posts come up really late but I am writing everyday.

I get wifi soon, we're buying it on Thursday so that means I can post more properly and also I can post YT videos. I just need to force myself you know? I'm just in a very deep hole right now. I don't feel sad though, I just feel blllllleeeeeeuuuugh.

DAY 16

Struggling to manage stress. I mean I had a great day today, I went on a beagle walk with Daisy and dad. Daisy is dad's dog, to keep him company since his dog died - to make it easier for me to move out in time.

All my dad does is avoid his commitment to the dog. And when he does ACTUALLY look after the dog, he complains. My life revolves around the dog, I am guilt tripped about working because I have to leave the dog and she's not my dog. My dad loves her and says she's his girl etc. and how much he loves her and he just neglects her so much, I feel like I have to deal with her and it worries me sick. I might never get to move out, and what if my dad gives her up? I love the dog 10 thousand times more than I love my dad, isn't that awful? I love animals so much more than I love people. 

The worst fucking part is that I can't talk to anyone about it, none of my nurses... My psychs... Because they'll see 'getting rid of the dog' as the option. I don't want to live with my dad anymore. But I don't have the means to take the dog, because he acts like he doesn't want her. And so everyday I live in a household that is detrimental to my mental wellbeing.

My dad, I love him. He's a great dad. He just doesn't understand things, he has his own issues but I wish he'd seek the help to get them resolved because it's ruining me. I feel like I need a social worker. I don't feel content within my home, but I don't wanna get rid of the dog. I can't get rid of the dog.

Honestly? I wish my dad would stand up and honor his fucking commitments. He complains and yells at me all the time, and then when I feel upset or angry he says 'you need to check your meds'. He doesn't understand my mental illness and he uses it as an excuse everytime he wants to argue. And I'm helpless.

He brings it up every single day. Is that bullying? I don't know what I can do. Like I said, I have to stay for the dog. Do I wish I never got her in the first place? Of course. We only got her to keep HIM company, and instead he complains about her all day. It's hard to live with but I live with it. I love the dog, she's not going anywhere and because of that... Neither am I.

DAY 15

Today I feel ok, again. I apologise for the blogs being so boring, but I am truly shocked at people still reading and I don't want to stop because I'm worried people will think I'm a quitter.

Work was very difficult and fast paced today; my feet always kill me after a long day! I had a look at all the sales and man do I want money! I had a really bad spending problem a few months back when I wasn't myself, I feel so tempted to spend all my money but I know I can't. I'm sure I'm going to get paid soon, and it's my birthday soon and I'm sure I'm gonna get tons of presents (feeling loved actually!) and I'm excited about that.

Tomorrow I am going on a 'beagle walk' where essentially my puppy gets to meet other dogs.

I really wanna get my life in order, I just don't know where to begin. But I should begin.

DAY 14

Feeling: Shattered but productive

Today I dealt with a lot of things in the house and tidied a lot up. Daisy is feeling ill so I'm monitoring her, she woke up to throw up a few times.. Probably ate things she shouldn't as usual!

I have work tomorrow and it's so strange that if I'm not at work for a while I'm like... Oh god what do I do. It's like I forget how to do my job! Hopefully tomorrow it'll all come back to me quite immediately!

I've been thinking about youtube again, I really need to tidy my workspace before I begin anything. I'm worried that because it's almost been a year the people who watched my videos and asked for more have forgotten about them. But then in the other case, I don't want to NOT make videos and disappoint people further. I'm not sure what to make videos on entirely, it's not like I have a skill... I just like talking.

My boyfriend has some potential good news on the way and I'm feeling excited for him, even if it doesn't amount to anything. I'm very proud of him, he's a good person and deserves the best things.

I feel I should blog more frequently as when I do a sum up of my boring day, it's not very inclusive in how I was in each of those moments.

Dude this must get most boring blog of the year, is mood blogging even a thing? I don't find this therapeutic at all!

Ps. Thanks for reading you guys, I find it incredible that you are all following along. I've not missed a day yet, but some blog posts are a lil late dependent on Internet access, but I have done them all! Incase the dates are a lil weird, I'll fix that later!

DAY 13

Feeling: Very frustrated

Today I saw my charge nurse and she basically started from scratch with me, so  she was asking about what I did... About uni... About my boyfriend to build character. She was telling me all these different things about how she can't do much because my psychiatrist deals with me, they won't give me antipsychotics until I've been on lithium a sufficient amount of time, and nothing is changing with my psychosis so it is quite disturbing.

I was told more about diagnosis as I sill count as under assessment, I need to be cleared of schitzo-affective disorder basically. Serious bipolar can har psychotic features, so it could be under that (lithium will tell) or else it'll be something more Schitzophrenia-like.

I just want normality, I'm sick of all this and I'm actually sick of this blog aswell because I'm thinking about my illness for it and blah blah.

A positive of my day is that I ordered some super awesome headphones which arrive tomorrow. I can't quite find my EarPods... Damn.

DAY 12

Feeling : hopeful

Today I went out to run quite a few errands and took the puppy around town.

Having a puppy is one of the most difficult things, she is so needy. She now sleeps in my room and she wakes me up at 6am which is so annoying! But she is super adorable so I forgive her quite quickly.

I'm not sure about the new spiderman, it's difficult but I don't think I'm too fond at the moment. I'm still really bitter about losing Andrew Garfield.

I feel okay and I'm sorry these recent blogs are a little boring. This is the issue with writing something everyday. I see my charge nurse tomorrow and so ill tell you about that although it's probably useless!

DAY 11

Feeling: alright actually!

Today I had a big day out with my boyfriend and puppy, we went out a big walk to the beach and Daisy enjoyed herself so much! I like living in a seaside resort for the lovely big beaches, and the chip shops are definitely not bad.

I went home afterwards with the pup who had a massive nap! Very chilled out and very blissful.

My birthday is in 2 weeks and my boyfriend has no idea what to get, of course I wouldn't mind if he didn't get me anything but he's insistent and he can't think of anything. I got this gold Rabbit pen and it's gorgeous and I love it so so much. He can't figure out anything else though, and so I've looked for what I want - and I genuinely don't want anything! It's quite the dilemma! (A very first world dilemma) the stuff I do want is either vastly expensive (an embroidery machine) or out of the question (a dachshund). So I thought of getting my bunny more things, but my boyfriend is hesitant as we did put together money for Flower's operation as a Valentine's Day gift. Flower gets majority of my occasions it seems!

I find it a little stressful trying to 'think of things', isn't that silly?

It'll work out, I'm glad what I get for my birthday is my biggest problem right now

DAY 10

Feeling: motivated

I'm starting to feel motivated, maybe it's the weather? Or maybe my increased dose of lithium makes me feel good! I don't know! I managed to finally submit my funding application (on time, I boast!) and I had a really long day at work! There was this one woman who came looking for my supervisor, to tell them how great my service was and how helpful I was. That's cool! I felt more awkward hearing the compliment because I was like - how do I react? I was just like 'oh that's nice'. I mean my supervisor told me the compliment so I couldn't say thanks, you know? I do enjoy my job though, it's tough but it's fun!

My boyfriend was in the city too today so I met up with him and he showed me a birthday gift, and it was cool but I wasn't sure where I'd put it and heard how much it cost so I was like NAW NAW. He returned it, I felt so bad! But I could've lied! I just felt it was too much money on something silly, it was more for him than me he totally should spend more wisely!

I then went and got my ring size measured.

I can't believe I'm 20 in a few weeks, what's happening to me? Oh my!

DAY 9

Feeling: anxious

Today I had a good day, went to work, went for dinner, went to the movies, did some shopping and then came home to the puppy! It was such a pleasant day spent with my friend, and then I came home - chilling on the sofa and my dad was like 'how are you getting to work tomorrow? It's a Sunday'.

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS I DID NOT CONSIDER THIS WHAT IS MY LIFE I DONT KNOW

Breathe... Breathe... I'll just check the train

*not available for this journey*

Oh god the first train isn't til 10am from my town, and I have to be in Glasgow by 10! And there are NO trains on a Sunday to take me to work from city centre! *heavy breathing at this point*

Basically after 2 hours of searching (yes, at this point it was 1am) it seemed I n ended to get a bus from city centre and basically guess where I'm going.

This may not end well!

I'm so anxious about it I can't sleep and I was half way to quitting my job, what an overreaction right? But it's scary!

I'll let you know my adventure tomorrow, probably one which will leave me in the worst area of Glasgow lost!

DAY 8

Feeling: 5.5 out of ten... Again!

I'm feeling okay and that's okay, that's really good. I'm probably no closer to good, but I'm okay!

Today I went out a walk to the beach with the puppy, perks of living in a seaside resort! She loved it, I have tons of videos of her just going berserk which is so cute.

I'm getting ready for work tomorrow, where it's gonna be superbly busy and I have a huge milestone to hit and I'm like ASDFGHJK! And so I'm nervous for that.

I spent my night in bed talking to my boyfriend about 'high school memories' and I was like... Fuck! I have some hilarious stories that need to be told, which brings up my channel again *sobbing* it needs to start and it's not disrespecting those who watched, believe me I'm grateful and happy I entertained you. I'm just finding it hard to be motivated.

But it'll be okay, I feel things getting better. The storm will pass soon!

DAY 7

Feeling: Actually okay-okay

I feel like I'm at a solid 5.5 in how I feel. That means so much to me.

I feel bad for the consistent complaining, but maybe somewhere it made me feel a little better so I won't apologise! I didn't MAKE you read!

Today I had the flu really bad and I had to run tons of errands, infused with my dad's consistent complaining which drives me absolutely mad. I then had the doctor where my usual doctor is not available, so a new GP.

I got the best doctor, seriously the best. Japanese man who is full of humour, quite young and really tries to relate to you and be honest. He read out my blood results which was 0.2 of lithium when it should be 0.6-1.3mmol. So I've been put up from 300mg to 500mg. So hopefully this is going to work. He read out that my psych was treating 'bipolar episodes, possible current psychotic phase and personality issue of anger and strong eccentricity'.

So basically I'm a weird psycho, mood swingin' hulk. Sounds right.

My gp had a good laugh with me though, I did say being an eccentric is a wonderful thing. It's very flattering! My psych does think I behave a little 'oddly' but CMON who doesn't love an eccentric? Particularly a diagnosed one!

Today I also had hilarious trouble with Amazon. The Amazon Twitter blatantly are snubbing me and yes that's hilarious but I'm like, ugh your customer service is gross. Fucking assholes! Basically I paid £3 for a cyndaquil teddy from Japan and it never arrived. The seller took my money but it's now 10 days late after a month of 'delivery' bracket. So I tried to contact seller and basically Amazon said 'this seller has left Amazon' and so I tried to leave a bad review and Amazon said my review wasn't allowed, when all I said was that my money had gone but I hadn't received the product! LOL

So basically I'm £3 down (awful, I know right?) of course this is not about the money (I credit myself with making a decent wage, so I'm not poor as much as I feel it at times). I basically feel scammed and Amazon are huge dicks who won't respond to me, but they'll respond to people who commend them by replying with heart emojis. And to think I payed out for Amazon prime, I'm so angry.

But yeah, I'm feeling okay today! I feel like things will look up, coincidentally a new nurse contacted me for an appointment (a charge nurse since my CPN is ill).

I'm gonna be ok, finally!

Now to tend to this candy crush level, and phone Amazon...

DAY 6

Feeling: 5/10

I feel significantly better than yesterday but I still don't feel optimistic about the future. I went to work, then collected my work from university and then I headed home and played a heck of a lot of Candy Crush.

Today was strange, I rate my feelings at 5/10 because I was doing well. I stayed preoccupied and so I didn't dwell on things as much.

I've ended up with the flu, which will be very enjoyable tomorrow as you can imagine.

I feel like I should have more to report, but I don't. I don't feel sad, because I'm putting it at the back of my mind. I don't feel happy at all. I'm just existing. And I guess that's okay for today, because I'm alive.

DAY 5

Feeling: whiney

I woke up feeling really awful and realised my means of help was only the A&E department, I knew that they would indeed take me in because of my BPD but I thought they would only treat me in adult psychiatry most probably if I was on the verge of suicide. I guess it's to do with how many beds... It's a case of priority. I feel a bit like I need lifted out of my setting to heal. I thought about hospitalization but 1. They might not take me, and 2. I felt selfish. It's not nice to make people worry about me in hospital and very much so isn't nice to take time off work, I'm needed.

Today I tried not to wallow in it, quite honestly I think it's waking up that's the most difficult because I'm like 'this again!', and it's a rerun of my day where I feel like 2% good.

I think my boyfriend is sick of me. I really do. He's the only person I honestly talk to about this, I keep my friends out of it - as much as they say they're there for me, I feel like... You're not supposed to be. And how do you say you're not enjoying your life anymore without looking needy.

As I was doing great for maybe a month, my appointments are all hanging in the air. My psychiatrist doesn't want to see me til 22nd July, which is a long time away. He felt I was doing okay and he wants to see how lithium is when correct dosage. It's been 5 weeks and it's not the correct dose yet so it's not working. And my mental health nurse - who's supposed to see me weekly-fornightly, well I haven't seen her in 5 weeks. She didn't give me an appointment until I was medicated, then she cancelled and said she'd send me out a letter with a new appointment. But she didn't bother her arse, I mean she's making enough money doing less of a job so why should she exert herself in her role? She gets paid regardless of who she gives appointments to!

It feels a lot like mental health are all up in my shit when I'm actually O.K. That's when I have 3 appointments a week. When something changes and things go badly, they are nowhere to be seen. I don't think that's very fair, granted they don't know - but if you're still adjusting treatment for someone you've diagnosed with swinging mood, you really gotta consider how long they'll last at 'being okay'.

Wow, just considered all that I'm writing - I'm so whiney! This should be called 100 days of whining.

I always feel worse when I am 'negative' because I remember this girl who attacked me for tweeting how much I disliked PDA couples, yellin' that I was such a negative person for using the word 'hate'. I mean I totally used the word hate in the way a Kardashian would, I hardly was like 'I HATE PEOPLE'. And also on that point, it's a bit like if I'm suffering from a mental illness that makes me negative and you say shit about me being negative, then it's counterproductive. That's like telling someone with two broken legs: "just run already!". To be fair, that story is short because that girl was an immense bully with a bad outlook, and she wasn't exactly intelligent; that's not even an attacking statement, it's generally a fact.

On the case of positives of my day, I'm feeling good spending time with the puppy until she frantically barks at me for no reason, then I'm like 'DAAAAAISSSSYYYY!'. More steam coming out my ears than the kettle. We've started using a water bottle as discipline (She's a beagle; she literally can't be disciplined and it was a last measure), when she gets sprayed she just looks at you like... 'Excuse me?'. That puppy has so much sass.

Which reminds me, I have to apply for SAAS.

Awesome.

See you tomorrow!

DAY 4

Feeling: low again

I'm still fighting back the depths of depression, because I don't want to think that way but maybe it's already happened. I still have periods of feeling content, so maybe things might turn around promptly. I'm worried this blog is very much going to be negative, I thoroughly doubt I'll reach mania within 100 days.

I've been having bad dreams again, the kind where a hypothetical scenario pans out and it ends pretty badly. Now I'm aching. I decided to be productive today and get my mind off it and feel something else but someone cancelled plans on me last minute. I went to the beach with my dad and the puppy where she was allowed off lead and was running like crazy, so happy to be free.

We underestimate that.

I mentioned ECT yesterday, because I want to be free of my demons. I have had thoughts to harm myself, not cutting. If I was guaranteed of the success, I'd have a fall on the head and give myself brain damage and just lose all memories. I forget the good memories and remember the bad everyday of my life and it hurts more than anyone can believe. I remember situations exactly, I remember my mistakes, my torment, the abuse - and my loneliness. I can remember the date and time horrible things happened to me. I hoard bad memories, then present like I've moved on but I haven't.

I am stuck in a different year of my life and I can't get out.

I need a miracle, and I don't have faith.

I struggle with the authenticity of my thoughts, do I want this? Is this me? Or is it just my mood, and my disorder presenting itself. My sadness itself, is it valid? I shouldn't feel sad anymore, so it would lead me to think this is all inflamed by my bipolar disorder.

My obsessive compulsive disorder makes me feel vulnerable. When I was diagnosed, I worried but thought - I don't clean a lot and I don't miss the cracks on the pavement. I obsess over people, conversations and actions. My actions differ and are compulsive towards certain people, there are people I cannot touch at all or I feel sick. I make decisions based on how many times I see a lamppost in the car, I thought I was just being weird. But this is probably the onset of my bad thoughts.

It works like this:

I live with consistent psychosis, Schitzophrenia-like symptoms.

My OCD inflames a depression > consistent anxiety and panic attacks > too much sleep or too little > vivid dreams, deeper psychosis > harm

Then I'm given a new antidepressant to remedy the depression or I have a large stress then poof!

Talking 500 words per minute > OCD in productive ways > mania > happy Trippy psychosis and hallucinations > no sleep, hardly eating > irritability > aggression > complete delusion

My doctor says its like my mood is on a pendulum and it swings from one end to the other, as much as mania is destructive and I lose 90% of my friends each time (I'm an avid facebook deleter) it makes me so happy and productive . There are no bad memories.

I feel ECT would relieve me from the bad memories or at least give me a better perspective such as - Dont pity someone who sexually and mentally abused you.

It's like I do have common sense, I just can't go with it. ARGH.

Thanks for reading, this was a little long. I hope someone can relate or give absolutely smashing advice - things are crashing faster than the hulk off the helicarrier. 

DAY 3

Feeling: Like the calm before the storm

Today, I really didn't want to get up. I love my job but I felt like I just couldn't manage it, like it was too much for me. I pushed myself as I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I then had quite a tough shift and I had to essentially run to the train to get to hospital to see my God son. He was beautiful, and I don't like babies! His hair was so long and soft, I'm definitely going to take my role of fairy godmother seriously!

I'm finally home after a long night and I feel overwhelmed, I feel guilty for having a nice day. I've had a lot of thoughts about my recovery, and I'm not ruling out ECT. It could temporarily relieve my mood disorder and calm my obsessive compulsive disorder. My thought patterns are so dangerous, and I'm aware of that but I have no control. I definitely feel I need some relief from ECT, to create some faith as lithium isn't doing well.

I think I just have to keep going, I think I might be okay.

DAY 2

Feeling: 4/10

I feel significantly better today, I think after having a phonecall and talking about how I'm feeling the night before definitely has helped me. I still feel quite emotional, not as on edge but it feels like someone has died. I'm not sure who I feel has died, but it's like the odd calm after the storm. I'm trying to find normality, which is unachievable as it is, but I think I'm getting there.

Today I went out with my dad and the puppy, I bought Daisy a dress to keep her cool from the sun which was unbelievably cute. My great nephew was born yesterday and I got my first photos of him today, and I was told I am Godmother. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow aswell, so it seems today was a day of positives.

But I don't feel positive? I feel a little bit like.. Bleh. Like I'm in mourning. But I am truly pushing myself and trying to make that effort to be a little bit happier.

It took a shove for me to post tonight, day two and I'm failing already! I'm just excited to get a sleep before my super busy day tomorrow - work and visiting the baby.

Signing out, God(ess)mother Aymie!

Oh and thanks for the kindness everybody, I'm glad you are reading this little journey. Boss AF.

No really, lots of love.

DAY 1

Feeling: Pretty Low

It's June 11th 2015, I have had a really great week in theory. I have a great new job, I managed to finish my university year with top grades and I've kept myself busy. At the moment I'm essentially the girl who 'has it all'.
This is the first post on my blog, of which I explained is to monitor my moods for bipolar disorder. Today was the day I basically swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. I will post separately about my BPD history if you're new and want to know a bit of background to the 'crazy'.
For the past week I have felt okay, but a little anxious. I've cried most days this week - I did not think this was depression however, I just felt a lot was bubbling under the surface and it got to me. Like a normal emotion would, I occasionally cried over things that were out of my control and upset me.
As a person, I was never a 'crier'. Nowadays, its difficult not to cry when I feel startled by something - so it's definitely much more common. Like I mentioned, I wasn't sure this was depression - I have been on new medication for around a month and I was doing really well, feeling quite normal.
I have still experienced hallucinations, mostly at night, but it had been calming down until now.
Today I saw my ex comment on Facebook and felt startled about it, I felt overwhelmed in seconds. It was just like it ticked the years back and I felt like a little girl confused about her emotions and I had a panic attack. I reactivated my old social media and read a conversation with him, and felt overwhelming guilt. I tortured myself essentially, I rubbed salt in wounds that I felt never really healed and that's the issue. I feel a lot of things are very much unresolved and that everyone is moving on and the world is still turning but I am still little girl lost.
I'm a person who likes to fix things. If there's something I don't like - I do something about it, but with my past I am trapped. What do you do if everyone has moved on from a situation, but you haven't? I would feel a lot better if I could talk to those I have history with, but wouldn't I just be a complete tornado to their normality? I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut to save face, when really I am completely crumbling over the same thing every few months/years.
It feels impossible to talk, I can't talk to the people I feel I need to because I would upset them. I talk to my loved ones, and it hurts them.
I would like to forget so many years of my life, so I could feel better. I want to focus on my life again, but I can't be positive. I think this might be the start of depression again, it feels so unresolved. I know deep down the issues that I have aren't truly the problem, it's just me and how I feel.
I kinda wish Mania back, I was so productive (a little destructive!) but I was the most positive person in the world and I really just need that. I want to stop my lithium to bring that back. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully these feelings will go away immediately and it's not my old friend depression.
*Snuggles with Beagle Puppy*

Hello friends

I have set up this informal blog to document my days living with bipolar disorder, a genetic mental illness which is life long and makes daily life very difficult. I hope this inspires you to document your mental health stories, you can try to do the 100 days like myself. I hope you enjoy reading or feel inspired to speak out about your own story!
I'll start in a few weeks, I'll see you at day 1!