Last night I had one of those visually powerful dreams,
almost as if you’re right in the moment and you’re truly experiencing it. I was
seventeen and I wanted to commit suicide and my family were quickly trying to
get me help and I was taken to my ex boyfriend. He shut me down and walked away
from me as I stood there, dying. The tragic part is that it would definitely
happen in reality too.
As a now young adult woman, I’ve realised one huge thing:
Ex-Boyfriends lie. They tell you things to please your ears with no definite
meaning. I’ve heard it all and experienced it all. You know what? It truly
hurts my feelings and damages my obsessive thinking. Here is some collective
terms I’ve gotten from my ex-boyfriends.
“We’ll be good friends”… of course we won’t! I’ll keep up my
end of the bargain by messaging to see if you’re okay and you’ll short answer
me to make me look needy. I’ll abandon all my friends so you can have them and
you’ll just laugh. I’ll invite you to my party and you wont invite me to yours.
That’s typically how it goes.
“I will always love you”… if what we’re doing now is love
then I don’t want to feel it. If I needed help you would scoff at me and
everytime I do something compassionate for you I’m assumed desperate and
looking for something else. That’s not love. Neither is dressing up as a woman
in a drag queen show and calling yourself ‘Aymie Black’ (True story), that’s
embarrassing.
“I’ll make sure any gossip is made to favour us both”… This
one is particularly warming, and hilarious. At the beginning of a break-up your
ex will be kind because they’re grieving and suddenly they’ll start listening
to their friends. It’s at this point that they begin to believe they ARE too
good for you and that you ARE a bitch. Because we all know a gang of boys is
correct, right?
“I’ll never find someone else”… the ole guilt trip. Needless
to say my exes have drilled through girls with some even having a long term
relationship (But I thought you so desperately loved me and couldn’t move on?).
Saying something like that to make you feel bad, just don’t believe it. You
know for a fact he’s going to change his profile picture to him and the girl he
admitted to flirting with.
“I’ll send you photos of the pets all the time”… I’ve not
seen me and my ex’s bunnies, in photo or person, in over a year and a half.
I’ve even asked for photos and he replies that he doesn’t have any. What
doesn’t help as well is that one of the bunnies is named after me. He probably doesn’t like that bunny.
Conclusion: Exes lie and they make you feel like stinky poo
while doing it.
Holding a break up when you’re mentally ill is vastly
difficult particularly in cases of Bipolar Disorder or OCD. In my Bipolar there
is a huge element of obsessive thinking that’s similar to OCD.
Every so often I have a dream and one of my exes appear and
I remember all these lovely things they’ve said, and I wonder if they still
feel the way they said they felt. I overwhelmingly care about everyone who has
been in my life, inclusive of exes and old friends. I realise that people don’t
care back and that I have to move on with my life. I will still think about
them everytime it’s one of their birthdays or what would’ve been our
anniversary, and I’m still waiting for the text asking me how my life is –
which I will never get. With all these exes it’s worth noting that I only had
an eating disorder through one and had no other diagnosed mental health issues –
and these boys that loved me so much, they never noticed my symptoms of bipolar
disorder. I was ill for so long without my ‘lover’s’ noticing.
I adore my boyfriend because he’s wildly understanding, but
I can’t help imagining how our breakup would be. Do you ever think about this?
Am I alone?
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