I’m a very driven individual, and when
people ask: ‘do you work yourself to the bone?’ I respond boldly – ‘No, I work
myself to my last nerve’. I take on too many projects, I say yes to virtually
everything and even when I am unwell – I am a bed-bound bonfire. I work
vigorously on my laptop with my fingers creating small fires from the friction
on the keyboard. I am unquestionably… a liability.
I wasn’t always a self-proclaimed workaholic.
In fact, quite contrary – I was often found lying in bed with a boyfriend
eating ice cream and practicing my own niche of being a professional nap
artist. Now, I can see the link. When I am very content, I can become quite
complacent and I slow down to enjoy my life – which realistically, everyone
should. Although, when I am lacking something, I work myself into a bottomless exhaustion.
I discovered that when you are busy, all
you can think about is being busy; you never need to observe what’s really
going on with yourself and your life. You know that feeling when you’re ready
for bed at night, but having a bit of trouble getting to sleep, so you think
about everything? I had become so scared of those moments of being alone with
my thoughts that I drowned by brain out with a tidal wave of – not always
meaningful - productivity. My logic was: if I have one thousand things on, I
can avoid anything undesirable in my life because my brain will be saturated
with ‘busy thoughts’.
'Busy thoughts', are both a dream and detrimental.
Busy thoughts are great when you are perhaps having a bit of a rough patch, you
have a bit of grief or you are just a bit bored; they keep you going and
motivate you to channel your energy into something important. Busy thoughts,
however, can also serve as a blinding distraction. Addressing how you are feeling
and reflecting on what is going on in your life may sound like a simplistic and
natural notion, but it doesn’t come easily to all of us. I know that I enjoy
ignoring what’s going on in my mind and subdue myself with busy thoughts, until
my unrealised issues manifest as a hideous, unavoidable monster. I habitually become
so distracted that I forget to really take care of myself by just setting aside
the time to do nothing.
I was horribly sick with the flu recently,
and whilst I was bed ridden, bingeing episodes of Black Mirror like no
tomorrow, I could not switch off my brain and rest. I was plagued with the
thoughts of all the things I had to do, all the things I wanted to do and I thus
- I kept subconsciously working. I was unwell for sixteen days, and I suppose
the reason it took so long to feel better is because mentally, I was exhausted
and it cried out from my body. I realised I had run myself into the ground,
because my body was wishing for help and rest. I don’t always get that physical
warning, which is scary as I am just poising myself for a breakdown.
Having bipolar disorder, I have experienced
the red-bullish, sleepless nightmare that is mania and the ‘busy thoughts’
really do not compare. However, running yourself into exhaustion
is always bad news – you create the perfect breeding ground for your unattended
problems, and your once small issues will surface like vermin when you are
drained. I know my illness well enough now to realise that if I take on too
much and become stressed, I am tempting a bipolar episode, so realistically –
with my recent bout of flu – I have to thank my body for reminding me of the
importance of rest.
After taking some time off over Christmas,
I feel energised and ready to conquer the world again. Nonetheless, this time –
I’m going to reawaken my professional nap artist alter ego from time to time,
because it really is exhausting work being exhausted.
Don’t be afraid to take a break to recharge
your batteries, it doesn’t mean you’re lazy or wasting time – it honestly just
shows that you’re mature enough to seek out balance in your life, giving both
your mind and body a little TLC. Set aside a moment, even a day in your
calendar, to have no plans and just rest. It’s small, but it’s life changing.
