Today I finished working for the company I worked for and I
attended Glasgow Pride. I think my day was just so happy and wonderful, mostly
because I went to Glasgow Pride. It’s no secret that I became very unwell with
hallucinations, my job was made almost impossible and now it’s time I focus on
myself and getting things back together before I have to start my course again.
I have so many friends I want to meet up with before the
time comes to get stuck into university, this year is my degree year and so I
need to really immerse myself into it. I may have got to an A last year, but it
doesn’t mean it’ll be so easy this year. We have a new tutor and so I’m feeling
really apprehensive, but I’m enthusiastic to see my friends – most of whom
international – who went home for the summer. I now have the time to focus on
my summer project, and myself.
Glasgow pride was electrifying and so enthralling, I
actually stood and cried because it was honestly so wonderful. The messages on
each board were thought provoking and I just was so elated to be a part of that
day and see these beautiful people share who they really are.
I think we all underestimate how much potential we have and
that we can honourably become who we want to be. I’m going to do all the things
I want to do, because I can.
There are so many things I want to do but shelved them
because I didn’t feel I was good enough to get anywhere, with all the things
that have happened in the past few months I’ve realised that I can truly do
whatever I want. I can accomplish anything if I work hard enough at it and I
need to just stay consistent and appreciate the intricacies of my life.
In this moment as I type this, I very much feel like I am
becoming myself again and it excites me. I want to feel all the things I felt
before and I want to do things I stopped doing all because I was ill. My
illness, to me, feels so terminal. To have the possibility of something else
‘deteriorating’ my mind is intimidating. I have to live the way I normally
would as holding myself back is hindering myself and I’m unsettling my mind and
mood. In almost every description of myself by my psychologist, I was stated to
be eccentric. Like there was an issue that I was so ‘bizarre’ and ‘kooky’, when
really – I think I’m just naturally weird. Heck, I know at this point I must be
pretty eccentric if my psychologists think it’s problematic – but I feel it
makes me who I am.
I love being unique and quirky and odd.
So for the next few weeks, I am on a mission to get back to
the way I was 2 years ago. I feel a little lost now because I don’t exactly
know the person I am, but I remember the joy in my life and I want to get back
to that place as soon as I can. I don’t feel normal anymore, so I’m going to
create this new normal. Time to live my life.
