Today, I’m going to speak much more personally. I reflect a lot on ‘the greater good’ and I almost instruct you on what works in feeling good. I don’t know how I’m feeling – a little sad, possibly? I’m feeling very much reminiscent. You all know by now how much I hate remembering things.
I’ve had so many lifetimes in one. I say this, because I’ve experienced such deep and trivial phases – those phases my illness caused and has led me to embark on strange journeys. I am who I am today because of those good and bad journeys.
Quite honestly, I hate myself and at this point when I’m feeling well – I can accept that I always will. It’s part of my human condition that I just don’t like who I am. I’m not happy with the person I was before and so now I’ll always look at myself with a little bit of regret. I know that there are a lot of people who cheer when I get down, I don’t hate those people – I can almost agree.
If you are a bad person to someone, if you leave someone or not make the effort – you have to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life. I’ve tried too often to let those around me know how much I loved them and always will love them, but the communication is so broken down that it will never get through or come of anything. But that’s okay.
People always comment on this whole popular idea of ‘finding yourself’. I don’t think I’ve found myself. What I know is having a cause keeps me alive. I live for others and where I can help, because I am such a wasted soul. My personhood is not significant to me anymore because I’m used to the bitter disappointment that I serve myself over and over again.
My self-hatred doesn’t get me down. I might preach that self-love is key and I agree with that in the sense that I look after my body, my wellbeing and mind. I do love my existence, I don’t like who I am.
There are qualities that I can admire about myself – I’m relentless, passionate but more importantly I approach life with such agape. I love every person around me and I welcome anyone into my life, regardless of our history. If you’re a friend of mine, you’re a friend for life.
Why am I thinking so deeply into my whole personhood? Well tomorrow I’ll be on television and a lot of people I know may remember me. Whether I was the girl down the block, whether I went to school with you or I’m the ex best friend, or the plain ex. I want those people who do come on to have a look at the tripe I talk, and to at least get an idea of two important things.
1. I will eternally be sorry for all actions of my past which have made you feel anything but good. I may have been ill, but being cold is never acceptable.
2. I recognize who I am as a person now. I recognize who I was and how I behaved through this illness, and everyday I do things to make a change. Just to erase the disgusting footprint that I had given myself.
It’s likely I will be on Scottish television tomorrow, I will tweet details if you want to look out for it. TV was something I did to help others, I wasn’t comfortable doing it in the sense that I’m projected on television. But other people’s needs are more important than mine and I hope that I push enough young people to get their symptoms checked out and help advise them on ways to help themselves through serious mental illness - also to check out Bipolar Scotland.
Someone once told me when I got honest and apologised for myself that reading my blog was like ‘bad therapy’. I apologise immediately if this was bad therapy for you.
I hope you’re all having a great day and feeling good, don’t worry about me – because I’m actually good! I’m probably a little down because my sprained knee stops me from my fitness regime.
That’s it for day 57, I'm going to nap a little now.