Today, I’m going to speak much more personally. I reflect a lot on ‘the greater good’ and I almost instruct you on what works in feeling good. I don’t know how I’m feeling – a little sad, possibly? I’m feeling very much reminiscent. You all know by now how much I hate remembering things.
I’ve had so many lifetimes in one. I say this, because I’ve
experienced such deep and trivial phases – those phases my illness caused and
has led me to embark on strange journeys. I am who I am today because of those
good and bad journeys.
Quite honestly, I hate myself and at this point when I’m
feeling well – I can accept that I always will. It’s part of my human condition
that I just don’t like who I am. I’m not happy with the person I was before and
so now I’ll always look at myself with a little bit of regret. I know that
there are a lot of people who cheer when I get down, I don’t hate those people
– I can almost agree.
If you are a bad person to someone, if you leave someone or
not make the effort – you have to live with that on your conscience for the
rest of your life. I’ve tried too often to let those around me know how much I
loved them and always will love them, but the communication is so broken down
that it will never get through or come of anything. But that’s okay.
People always comment on this whole popular idea of ‘finding
yourself’. I don’t think I’ve found myself. What I know is having a cause keeps
me alive. I live for others and where I can help, because I am such a wasted
soul. My personhood is not significant to me anymore because I’m used to the
bitter disappointment that I serve myself over and over again.
My self-hatred doesn’t get me down. I might preach that
self-love is key and I agree with that in the sense that I look after my body,
my wellbeing and mind. I do love my existence, I don’t like who I am.
There are qualities that I can admire about myself – I’m
relentless, passionate but more importantly I approach life with such
agape. I love every person around me and
I welcome anyone into my life, regardless of our history. If you’re a friend of
mine, you’re a friend for life.
Why am I thinking so deeply into my whole personhood? Well
tomorrow I’ll be on television and a lot of people I know may remember me.
Whether I was the girl down the block, whether I went to school with you or I’m
the ex best friend, or the plain ex. I want those people who do come on to have
a look at the tripe I talk, and to at least get an idea of two important
things.
1.
I will eternally be sorry for all actions of my
past which have made you feel anything but good. I may have been ill, but being
cold is never acceptable.
2.
I recognize who I am as a person now. I
recognize who I was and how I behaved through this illness, and everyday I do
things to make a change. Just to erase the disgusting footprint that I had
given myself.
It’s likely I will be on Scottish television tomorrow, I
will tweet details if you want to look out for it. TV was something I did to
help others, I wasn’t comfortable doing it in the sense that I’m projected on
television. But other people’s needs are more important than mine and I hope
that I push enough young people to get their symptoms checked out and help
advise them on ways to help themselves through serious mental illness - also to check out Bipolar Scotland.
Someone once told me when I got honest and apologised for
myself that reading my blog was like ‘bad therapy’. I apologise immediately if
this was bad therapy for you.
I hope you’re all having a great day and feeling good, don’t
worry about me – because I’m actually good! I’m probably a little down because
my sprained knee stops me from my fitness regime.
That’s it for day 57, I'm going to nap a little now.
No comments
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.