DAY 61

I apologise if this post seems a little late, I often write in the evening but last night I was feeling uninspired. You will hear everyday but sometimes I’ll slightly switch from morning – night. I’d rather you got a good blog post than consecutive little rubbish ones.

I’ve started having night terrors, I always wake up feeling quite low but apparently I scream and thrash in the night. Which does sound terrifying. I feel a little like my mood is slipping, well quite honestly it has slipped. I’m feeling 3/10, but the worst part is I’ve lost a little hope. I don’t think it’s alarming, I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I mean this could be natural – I just feel sad.

I think along with night terrors the hallucinations are ruining my mood. I’ve got all these things going on that haven’t been cured yet and I don’t know what to do. All I can do is focus my mind elsewhere, but I feel like I can’t even do that now.

I basically just want to listen to a bunch of Coldplay.

Maybe today is a one-off! I hope it is, because I can’t be bothered with these sad feelings again. I love being joyful and having excitement for things, but at the moment I just don’t feel excited. I’m having doubts about everything inclusive of myself. I know it may look like I’m so experienced and able to look after my wellbeing, but I’m only human like the rest of you. I think so many people look up to me it makes it very difficult to just be myself because suddenly I’m on this pedestal. If I can’t be happy, how can I preach to you all to be happy?

So I’m throwing myself into what I know: exercise. I’m just going to go a huge walk, then come home and do some drawing. I’m struggling to find a coping mechanism but this is the only thing I know. I could go out and meet with friends but I honestly do not feel comfortable enough.

What alarms me is how hopeless my thoughts have been. It’s like I can’t stop thinking in a manner, but I can recognize it’s not ideal. I keep having this feeling like – oh, this is me forever – and that all the negative thoughts I’m having will continuously come back and wreck me apart. There are so many things I feel like a need to talk about openly, but I can’t.

I set up this blog to be honest, and I don’t even think I can do that because I’m so damaged. I’m scared of what people think and I’m scared to talk about personal issues that affect others because it’ll have a negative impact on myself. The things I obsess over, I know are petty, but I can’t talk about them because people would go ahead and call me petty. I’m such a lost cause in the respect that I can move on from so many things but then still be taken aback by the small few.

Honestly, I think my emotional potential just terrifies me.

I just want, certain people to tell me it's okay. I just need this clarification to move on but I know I'll never get it and it'll terrorise me to my grave.

I hope you’re feeling better than I am, and I’d like to reinforce that I’m not attention seeking it’s just my job to talk about mental wellbeing inclusive of my personal mood diary. I hope you’re all doing well.

If not? We’ve all got a fresh tomorrow.

Oh and I totally sounded dramatic today, but hey, I tried to be honest.