DAY 45

I had a horrible dream this morning about one of my relatives and it made me think of them after I had wakened. I used to have a sister, well I had three but today I count two. I was best friends with this woman, clung onto every word she said and just totally and completely idolised her. She always seemed available to me and she made massive promises that weren’t really kept: a safari to Africa, trip to Mexico, living with her in a 2 bedroom place in London and buying my prom dress. I guess after a while I felt a little mistrust probably a little bitter that I could no longer go to the university I wanted or couldn’t go to my high school prom. However, I just stayed optimistic and put aside these things as they’re all so superficial. I loved my sister more than anyone but I felt like she had a role to play in ending my parent’s marriage, we had a different father and she strongly disliked mine and so it was difficult trying to have a positive relationship who made my dad upset.

I remember the day we had our fight she basically didn’t like a joke I posted. On Facebook I enclosed an image of my mum holding me as a baby and watching the tv and I joked that it was evidence she preferred Jerry Springer to me. My sister blew up and called me ‘Sick’, when I pointed out it was a joke but I’ll delete it as she’s offended she got angry and so I asked her just to delete me. What she did not know at this point was that I was suffering from Anxiety and Depression, really badly. I always wanted to flee situations that terrified me, like fights, and so I told her just to delete me, I wanted it over. As I said this she proceeded to bring up fights about everything even her distaste for saying my dad was the only person I could trust in a previous status. Words hurt and I was told I was a drama queen numerous times. Now that I look back on that conversation I see how much a drama queen I was and that my original joke was not funny at all. She screamed on about how I thought I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family and nobody cared and how I “feel with no merit”. She was entirely right, I feel insecure in my family because I don’t have anyone who actively cares for me. I feel like the black sheep, which I think is clarified by the fact that my old “Family” will only distinguish themselves with my other siblings because I’m not blood related. I was taught to love so many people who decided when my parent’s divorced that I was an illegitimate child. Did I feel with no merit? In some cases, probably. She didn’t think of my mental health, not that I gave her reason to. Out of kindness in the future, if someone is upset – be sensitive – calling someone a drama queen inflames a situation and ruins mental wellbeing. Then proceeded a year of heavy crippling depression from that point.

Now I know that I have Bipolar Disorder, I do feel a little angry. The people who treated me badly who were unaware of my mental illness, really had no reason to. You should not call people names, ever. If someone is distressed you should comfort them and not pounce on them. She was supposed to be my sister and she stomped me into tiny pieces and still I find a degree of love for her. We had another altercation last year where she received a message that wasn’t for her, despite me explaining it wasn’t for her she went on to lecture me and to insinuate what I sent was supposed to be sent to her. The topic was suicide and after I argued it wasn’t for her, she exploded again. So at this point she’s aware of my depression but I didn’t help the situation by clawing back. Followed by a bitchy Facebook post about me saying how blood is not thicker than water, and a text to tell me “Have a nice life!” in the most resentful tone. Can you imagine why I was being hospitalized for depression? When she publicly blasted me, family members from her side of the family would do detective work and ask me things… family members who wouldn’t bat an eyelash for me now interested. I sat silently waiting on it all to finish. My family members insinuated I was the problem, because I was ‘too emotive’ or a ‘drama queen’. I maintain that although my actions were unnecessary (And involuntary by mental illness!), people should be kind to each other and not threaten each other.

I don’t know this woman anymore and she doesn’t feel any degree of love for me and I guess that’s a little sad. I take blame of putting a fork in our relationship, but there’s only so much responsibility I had when I was ever so clearly ill. I don’t know if she ever found out that I had Bipolar Disorder, but I don’t doubt she feels apologetic about anything she’s said because it’s not the kind of person she is. Family would tell me my sister was cold and that she always starts fights, but I wouldn’t listen for all these years and now I feel the cold. I think she had merit to start the initial fight, I just think it was uncool to attack someone who was ill.

I am bitter today because everything in my body wishes her well. I don’t want to wish her well because she was ignorant and took me so close to death. If my emergency mental health team didn’t step up, I don’t know where I’d be. Yet, I wish her the world of happiness. She has a baby I’ve never met, I think he’s 2 years old at this point and I don’t even know his name. She’s moved on and lived another life, because blood was not thicker than water to her. Even the thought of her now makes me feel ill because it reminds me of how low I can feel. I know she’s a good person, I think she just wasn’t aware. I envision that the day I die, she’ll maybe hear the news and say ‘oh’, because that means closure for the whole situation. As long as I’m living, I don’t get any closure from this.

Am I a drama queen? Yes, I’m a professional and I do it all involuntarily. I need medication just to stabilise the chemicals in my brain for life, medication that’s ruining each of my organs day in-day out.

Not everyone will understand mental illness, and that’s okay because you don’t need them to.  You just need to understand your mental illness and look after yourself, it’s an impossible ask to have support from everyone. You can’t expect everyone to swallow your story and be compassionate about it. As people we are all in charge of our reactions, so if you even think someone may have bigger troubles – be sensitive, you don’t know that they balancing on a tiny ledge.

You have to accept not everyone can understand and you have to accept that what you do whilst you are ill can have horrible effects on others. Take responsibility, but don’t hold your breath waiting on others to take theirs. There’s a point where you have to move on and focus on yourself.

My sister is a great human being who challenged everything that came her way and defended a cause to it's death. She was comedic, fun and was honestly there for me any time I texted. She just didn't know whats going on, and she never needs to now. I bet she's a wonderful partner, a great mother and she's excelling at her job. She'll have her issues too. Sometimes certain relationships aren't longstanding, and that's fine. As long as we can accept that everyone deserves happiness. Some of us have a rougher time finding it, I'll focus on keeping my illness stable.

My sister was an incredible sister, I couldn't even tell you how much.