I’ve tried to write this a thousand times these past few months. I am struggling to find a way to say what I want to say, so I’m going to write this in the most uncomplicated way to get across what I’m thinking.
I feel like I owe everyone an apology. I’ve been struggling
with depression for a couple of months, and I’ve become reclusive. I’m sure
close ones have noticed how I’m much more removed now, and the people who
follow me will have noticed from my ‘more quiet than usual’ position.
I’ve been an advocate for mental health for quite a while
now, and it inspired me so much when I saw people who were encouraged by me to
take positive action in their lives for their mental wellbeing. I am glad that
I have been able to help people out there. However, I recognise that for a long
time – especially through interviews and the media – I’ve been held up in a
‘survivor/recovery story’ kind of way. I am happy that the people who know me
or know my work have been able to find inspiration in that, but it’s been a
real weight on me. I feel like my own mental health is something of public
interest, and because I didn’t want to let people down – I always did a
fantastic job of acting like the poster girl for great mental health when
realistically I was hurting.
Truth is, I am a real person with real problems. I still
struggle, and I do not have all the answers. At the very least, I have a little
bit of faith that things will get better.
At the moment, without discussing personal issues too much,
there are real positives and negatives to my life. Unfortunately, I only feel
the negatives. Every day is tiring and like a performance. I just don’t have
the time to find myself more help at the moment, however I am still ploughing
along and somehow coping. I am still able to keep going, it’s just taking all
my energy - so don't worry about me too much.
The people who thought they knew me would never think this
would be something difficult for me to do, but it really has been. All I can do
is apologise to anyone who thinks I’ve been dishonest, or to the people I’ve
let down. I also don’t know if I’ll want to speak about this any further after
this.
I’m working on myself at the moment, so consider this a
‘BRB’ to the blog.
Again, I’m super sorry. I think I’ll always be a work in
progress.
