DAY 29

Today, I feel fantastic. It’s Sunday and personally I have never thought of it as a ‘day of rest’. I think within a day – it’s all about balance. We have frantic activities, menial activites and indeed rest. I started some meditation this morning and it really made me feel good. I’m feeling really well and that’s incredible.

I went on a long evening’s walk with the puppy tonight and she really enjoyed herself, even if she is ambitious enough to chase Rottweilers! Keep in mind she is only a Beagle, but she is easily the feistiest beagle I have ever known.

I decided that I want to uproot my life a little, change things up. I have been looking at brown hairstyles a lot; but you can breathe – I think it’s not for me. I think I’ll always be blonde Aymie, little miss Sunshine. I am however searching for a new haircut, I really want something clean and sharp but I am just not sure if I should part with the length I have. As I have alopecia, when my hair falls out (usually from the bottom) – I need some hair to cover that spot.

I’m also clearing my bedroom, slowly but surely. It’s not slowly because it’s taking time – it’s slowly because our bins only get taken out once a week and I have far too much! I’ve decided to change the colour theme of my room to match my plants, so now I’m going for airy neutrals with ivory and metallic. I spent a ton of money buying things like new curtains but I feel like my life is going somewhere and I’m really happy for  a new phase, and if new curtains does that  - then so be it! I’m sick of my room being black and red gothic.

I called my partner tonight and told him how happy I was feeling today but I said “But not too happy!” to assure him. He mentioned that I had bought a lot of stuff though, when I said I wouldn’t. I feel a little nervous now, has my spending gotten so out of control that I’m brinking Mania? I was so assured that my life was good and I am so happy that maybe this is the onset of an issue. It makes me think, can I ever be happy without being questioned? My life is going to be viewed on a scale for it’s entirety, are people really just thinking “which Aymie will we get today?”. How terrifying. I know I am a work in progress, but I feel like I’ve been doing so well but doing well makes me look like I am ill.

I have an illness, true – although I do not believe that scraps ever inch out of my personality. I have a mood disorder although naturally I am a happy, motivated individual – so where is the point where it is too much and why can’t I see it? I feel very much sane, of course I have elements of psychosis – but I have my sanity and I have what I believe to be a clear opinion of myself and the world around me, buy why is it I can never see episodes coming? Is that the nature of my illness, that it just creeps up behind me when I’m washing the dishes or reading a book?

I’m not going to look any further into it as I don’t believe it’ll do me any good. If I feel good then I should not question that. Yes I am spending a lot of money, however I’ve not put myself into debt at all. Only the savings are damaged and anyway, who’s to say I won’t die tomorrow? Why save money when you can spend it and enjoy yourself today – why have a rainy day fund if you’re not even sure there is going to be a rainy day?

I feel good, I feel great, I feel alive.