Sunday, 12 July 2015

DAY 23

It's the morning and I'm heading to work, I'm finding today quite tough already. I couldn't sleep last night and the loud music started playing again, I am legitimately living a nightmare. I feel exhausted and a little cranky! It's impossible to find normality or at least have a break from this. It's so consistent.

I've lost my mind again, I feel delirious and I don't know how I can fix things for myself. Thankfully I'm visiting my psych next week, although he won't help (he basically just writes down to gather information for himself leaving me to suffer over a period of time).

The issue with bipolar is the suffering, because I am still under assessment and my mood disorder is long term my psych has to assess me over a long period of time which means I only see him every 6 weeks. I'm supposed to see mental health nurses (just to check I've not killed myself), but my nurse is on sick leave. My GP is great but only gives advice then says 'but you have to ask your psych'. And the nurse, she just takes my blood.

I feel like a science experiment and I have to go to my job today and try and stop hearing music basically, when I talk to others they won't be able to hear me. This is so awful, quite honestly.

I am feeling a little sorry for myself I will admit, it's probably just the lack of sleep which in turn influences an episode VICIOUS CYCLE RIGHT? 

I wish I could have something else, I want a physical illness. That's not to say that physical illnesses aren't bad, but I just want a disease or something so I can get treatment and begin rehabilitation - even if it's deadly and the worst thing, so long as it'll be over. This is the worst thing. If someone said to me would you rather have a mental illness or physical, in the past I would've said mental.

 But please believe me when I say this, this is living hell. I can't control my thoughts very well, I've lost my mind with hallucinations, it's like having a constant aching migraine killing you every day and someone flashing lights in your eyes and playing the bagpipes down your ears. I've lost a ton of friends, my hair falls out with an inch of stress - so I have to do everything to avoid stress, my bones ache, I feel nauseous, it affects my appetite and affects my body. My lithium makes me lose feeling and muscle strength in my hands every so often. My fertility is essentially non existent and even if I do get pregnant my child will have heart issues and disabilities from my bp medication. Whilst my medication is slowly giving me heart, thyroid and kidney issues. And the medication is life long. The illness is life long. I'm dying in slow motion.

I have a terminal disease of the mind that can't be cured, and they can't even tell me why.