DAY 32

I usually wait until night to type up this blog, so that I can reflect on my full day. I want to write before I forget though, and I am very hopeful of forgetting. Today was my meeting with my psychiatrist and first I got some positives: My lithium level was almost there so I only need to go up another 100mg and I don’t need blood tests as regularly! I’m very happy I don’t need to see the blood nurse every single week. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder months ago, although my GP and CPN said that with the mental health assessment period they don’t want to write down one illness. My psychiatrist relayed to me today, it is indeed Bipolar Affective Disorder – Type 1, in the American system.  To have a full diagnosis following my medication does feel good, I almost felt like closure was there and that I could just live with treatment.

I then spoke to him about how I felt my mood disorder was treated more than my psychosis, which was still distressing to me. He then told me he was going to prescribe an Anti-Psychotic, with my consent. I am being put on the drug Risperidone, he explained this medication is serious and there are a lot of serious side effects – and that if I have any issues regarding movement or tremors then I was to immediately contact him to be put on an ‘anti-parkinsons’ drug. A lot of the side effects are terrifying – including losing muscle movement, your eyes losing control and looking completely elsewhere, drooling and being unable to walk or hold things. Another really common side effect is weight gain, having a past with Anorexia that terrifies me.

I asked when me and the psychiatrist’s appointments would end, asking if the next one would be us done. He said ‘Could be… but probably not’, I didn’t really understand – if he is assessing me and told me I 100% have Bipolar Disorder, why did he need to see me and not just a CPN? He said that my psychosis needed monitored, and I asked if it was just a symptom of Bipolar Disorder. He said as my psychosis stayed put throughout all my mood swings – it was representing itself as an independent illness, and that we were looking at a diagnosis of Schizophrenia.

There we have it, the moment I was terrified. I had become so used to the idea of having Bipolar Disorder I guess I didn’t realise there was more to it. I knew psychosis was an issue of Bipolar Mania, but I didn’t think I could have a serious illness like Schizophrenia: Terrifying!

Let me just take this time to relay how magical my luck really is. Let’s be kind of positive, it might not be Schizophrenia. However, there is not many illnesses that explain my symptoms. So I’m currently being treated for it, however I’m going through this review process again. It’s never ending. The odds are very much at this stage, I'm Bipolar with Schizophrenia but schizoaffective disorder just hasn't been mentioned.

I have Bipolar Disorder, it seems I may be Schizophrenic - all I know is that I'm awesome and I'm going to be okay.