Saturday, 18 July 2015

DAY 28


Good evening, today is Saturday the 18th July.
I am feeling great, motivated and all things whimsical. I'm really having a lot of faith in myself as a human being, I'm not doubting myself or thinking about an illness every two seconds.

I want to talk today about something a little different but has cast a shadow over my personal mental well being for so long and I think it's relatable for a lot of people. Although this blog deals with mental illness, this blog is also about mental wellbeing - it's about feeling good and conquering your own demons. Even if you're not deemed 'unwell', we all have times where we are not great.

For two years I've had a bully hovering over me, many of you reading now may remember the initial blog posts about it last year, if you did ever want an update - I guess this is it. Did they stop? No. Though this is not a sad story, this is a positive tale of overcoming someone's pitiless projections and immoral personality. I also want to draw attention to the issue of ‘girl hate’ as some name it, although giving it a name almost accepts it as a regular distortion of our social communication.

I’ve lived all my life with a bully of some sort, from the little kids I didn’t mind too much who disliked me being tall… to the death threats at 16 for breaking the heart of the ‘popular’ guy at school. My first psychiatrist often told me that I had a bit of an ‘unfortunate life’ and that my initial anxiety disorder most probably stemmed from that. By the time I turned 18 and met a guy I liked, achieved amazing exam results and got into a prestigious art school – I was truly intrinsically happy. I still had a fear complex, the anxiety was still there. That’s the thing about an anxiety disorder – it’s not just having ‘anxiety’, it’s an illness that can lay dormant at the back of your mind then pounce out and leave you crippled. There are also varying degrees of the illness. Must I note that having ‘anxiety’ does not mean you have an illness, it is foremost the adjective for nervousness. Unfortunately, I did have an illness – but I didn’t find that out until a year later.

Basically my bully pulled me down when I was looking great but feeling fragile. To this day, I’ll never know why it was me she stalked, attacked and manipulated. I don’t need to know.

For so long a cruel perverse being thrived on tossing insults and backhanded messages. Whilst she knitted up lies and cruised every opportunity for an inkling of attention, with her social status dwindling – a lot of her friends picked up what was happening and tried to console me.  There was a race at one point, she competed for attention once she seen me ever attempt something. I fell into a depression and 6 months later I decided – I was going to kill myself. I remember the day I couldn’t cope, my boyfriend became an uncle for the first time and the world was happy and I just thought – I don’t fit in. I would post almost ‘negative’ things on twitter and this bully would dive at me: “You’re a negative person, you’re pathetic, you’re a cunt, go fuck yourself”. I may have looked like I had it all – but I didn’t, and even just looking like my life was perfect magnetized a bully to me. One thing I’m proud of, I inspired a lot of people by being brave and kind. One thing I regret, I told everyone I was great when I was nothing.

I told you all this before, but when I turned hysterical and tried to put a plan into motion – I cracked and I spoke to my dad, my boyfriend and friends and I knew I just needed help. Being sad gave me physical issues and so when I went to the GP to get ointments and potentially something for my Alopecia, she saw what was truly wrong. Then that’s when I was diagnosed Depressed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, referred for serious help and assessment as issues occurred.

If you want to read my bipolar story it is here:

Anyway, I thought I was depressed because someone got to me so much that it made me feel sick. Little did I know – I had a genetic mental illness that was hidden beneath myself and explained why I had anxiety, why I heard voices and why I felt sad or euphoric. The situation was purely a trigger – and heck, it would be for anyone!

A long year of reclamation later, I’m still not there and I’m still being bullied. I don’t listen anymore when I’m told about what someone is saying or doing to me because it ruined me before. The only reason I know it continued was because I had heard about her latest ‘take down’ ideas just a few weeks ago. I won’t lie, it consumes my mind and makes me worry until I kind of had a huge revelation.

I asked a friend once before “Why me?”, and he said: “Because you’re more attractive, intelligent, popular and successful than her”. That was it.

I am a beautiful woman, I am vastly intelligent – I have a whole community of friends who I am there for and I’ve achieved so much despite only being 20 years old. I can finally accept these facts. I’m not saying I’m better than her, but I love myself. The issue is not who is better than who, it’s that she thinks I’m better than her.

When you deal with a bully don’t retaliate – there was a point where I did and I just got myself irritated. Live your life without fear or else you’re going to have a mighty big bucket of regrets. If you love yourself, no-one can break your emotional wellbeing because you know and respect yourself too much to be fragmented by someone’s depravity. Also, put yourself in their shoes. My bully has numerous issues and that’s why they are the way they are. If anyone is bullying you – it is not your fault, you do not deserve it and they only deserve your pity.

I pity the person who devoted so much of their time trying to tear me apart, especially when my life has became so god damn successful. I hope my success inspires them to better themselves and I hope this post helps any of you that are being bullied.

You are fantastic, you are great – let’s motivate each other. And to the person who wants to pull everyone down – they’re just pulling themselves down which is such a shame as the view is so incredible from the top.

Thank you to everyone who ever bullied me.

They said I can’t, so I did.


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