DAY 18

Today is the fifth of July, 2015. I'm back.

So you probably couldn't believe how sorry I feel, and almost ashamed, that I couldn't make this '100 day' blog consecutive and daily. I did try, believe me. I don't know if anyone noticed the standard slip in the sense that I just didn't want to write. So many goes on in a day and I just felt like I couldn't really go through it all - I noticed that I just said I was 'okay', when I probably wasn't okay.

Let me tell you at the moment, quite honestly, I am good. Like 8 bananas out of 10 good. Like 5 trillion dollars out of 6 trillion good. Pretty good.

What have you missed? Probably not too much! I am however getting wi-fi installed into my home after four years of going without! This helps get over the huge hindrance for video uploads, before I just used mobile internet. I changed contract and sneakily my provider capped my personal hotspot allowance (the bastards), and so there was an issue there when using a device that wasn't my phone.

It feels so good to write this on my beautiful macbook, I've had this for a few months now and I haven't been able to use it at all so it's essentially brand new and it's a dream to type on. If I could sum up figuratively how it feels, it's a bit like when you take your case off your iPhone... mmm all that Apple tech goodness. Like an orgasm for my fingertips, believe me!

I'm glad so many of you have been continuously checking my blog to see if there is a new post - it's overwhelming to say the least! I just had a look there and there are so many views, one thing I can promise that I'm not considering though is monetisation. If in the future the views became literally hundreds of thousands a day then I would arrange for charity donation to a mental health charity, but I don't want personal gain for this because this isn't work - this is a personal insight to my own therapy and to talk about what's down (or up) you know? That bipolar joke was painful wasn't it? It felt a little unnatural, i'll keep them inside!

So... I bet you're desperately wanting to know how I am feeling today? Like I mentioned, I am good! I have been on my upped dose of Lithium and it is really feeling like something is kicking in at this point, the psychosis is an issue and so I need to pursue a antipsychotic. I've not had my bloods taken yet, when they are - I presume they'll tell me my dosage is still low. I've checked so many different people's stories online and they tell me that their dosage is around 900mg, which is substantial compared to my little 500! It is to do with dilution in your blood stream however and that comes down to things like weight and diet. My psychiatrist insists I won't need a high dose because I am a 'skinny minnie'! It doesn't help that I magically lost 2lbs this week!

I'm feeling totally motivated and I can't wait until I finish work this week and just enjoy cleaning, reading and being online! I want to be here for you guys more consistently, I genuinely want to give you guys my phone number so when you call I can answer and we can chill out.

I had a bit of an angry stage today, basically someone tried to compete with me on the whole blog attention front. They got it all wrong. 

This blog isn't about ME. 

The subject? sure, it's about my illness. It's not about status because I can tell you - do I want to be known as 'bipolar Aymie'? Hell no! Why people insist on having their main identifier being something sad/unfortunate over something more impressive like genuine success, baffles me. I wanna help people. This is not the boost of Aymie Black, this is not my blog - sure you can see what I've done, how I feel and my insight - but this blog is for US. 

I encourage all of you beautiful people who were unfortunate enough to have a mental illness to write about your experience, people with cancer surgery scars proudly show them off and serve as an inspiration - YOU are an inspiration for not being a prisoner of your illness and don't let anyone tell you that something physical is worse or that your illness doesn't exist. It is an invisible illness in the sense of there aren't any coughs or lumps, but you can see it in people's behaviours. It is there. The rising number of suicides caused from depression is horrific, people who are bipolar committing murder - thats horrific! Don't let any ignorant idiot lead you to think otherwise.

If you need any help, leave a comment or if you want something a little more private you know you can grab me on twitter and we can arrange something.

Thank you ALL for being here, I'll be back as much as I possibly can (even if it's several posts for a day!).

I love you all for reading my words, if you identify with my story or have an invisible illness... *clinks glasses* cheers. We can do this.