Today has been a long day, I stayed overnight at my boyfriend's place so then I had to travel quite early to get home and get things done. General puppy sitting as usual, which I actually love... even if the little bugger does frustrate me a lot!
I did a ton of cleaning, I feel like I should get rid of all the old things out my life and peel back to someone I truly am. After so many years of fake smiles and pushing myself a lot - I've became someone very peculiar that I do not recognise. It's like I tried so hard to break away and be someone else I forgot my own soul - which sounds ridiculous I know.
I used to be this goofy, freckled little girl. Things are gonna change of course, thats the whole point of puberty and gaining maturity - but I feel a little bit like my life has been cut into little chunks so I can make it easier to swallow.
I'm the kind of woman who will remember everything, right down to what you had for dinner last Tuesday. With that - I have a general bitterness, yes I am very forgiving - but my mind does not allow me to move on with that. I can keep up a happy face and act like everything is alright when really I'm pretty pissed all the way down to my bones.
I obsess a lot and it's kind of terrifying. You know when you listen to music and envision a scenario or a music video? I do that, but I envision things from years ago like the boy I liked in primary school or the aunt that didn't say happy birthday with my revenge. That's bitter. It's not an 'in your face' kind of bitter, I'm not a spiteful bitch; But I'm bitter.
I hope you guys enjoy me opening up, obviously there are loads of you reading and that's exceptional but I just don't want you to be sitting here for a nosey (although I guess that's okay). I hope you are all gaining some understanding from my insights from my ridiculous broken little brain.
Medically, I really don't think I'm doing well. My medication has helped with my moods and I've became productive and joyful instead of sad, so that's fantastic. However my hallucinations are still here. Every once and a while I hear people talking to me and communicating with me, I don't find it scary because I'm used to it - but it isn't helpful when I can't even hear anyone. But hey, it'll probably get better.
Tomorrow is another long day, I have a shift at work and all in all my travel to there is like 4-5hours. Eek!