Wednesday, 29 July 2015

DAY 39

Another long, busy day I am afraid. My morning started with a crazy email hunt followed by a shift at work. When I got home I just wanted to sleep quite honestly, but you can't sleep when you have a puppy bouncing all over your head.

I’ve felt a little overwhelmed today, sometimes I feel a bit like I have bit off more than I can chew. Not that I don’t love what I’m doing for the mental health community, being an active advocate is a tiring job. I love hearing your stories, speaking on your behalf and driving traffic to our blog and to charities. I just don’t like being the face of my own blog, which almost sounds silly. I guess the whole anonymity of Mimi has disappeared, as you are all aware who Aymie Black is and where to find her.

I apologies if I am moping, it’s just a little overwhelming. This blog went from like 2 people reading it to thousands in less than 30 days. Now everyday when I write I feel an overpowering pressure to say the right thing, because everyone is listening. My family and friends now read the blog for the first time and I almost feel censored. My dad gives updates to me on what he has read the night before, confirming that my blog post was up a ‘bit late’ last night. With all this pressure I feel I’m struggling to give you the authenticity that I did beforehand.

What I can promise to you is that I will overlook the sudden audience to the best of my ability and address directly to you, the person reading these words right this moment. You are central to me and even if you are reading this because you are curious or even if you plain don’t like me – I’m glad you are reading. With reading, comes understanding.

Do you ever just feel anxiety looming above you? I think there is definitely a thick black cloud above me and I’m struggling to see through that smog at the moment. There are so many things happening that I don’t know if I am entirely cut out for the attention. I have loads of insecurities, I know I might seem forward and optimistic but I am still a person. I’m not insecure because of my ‘bipolar’, it’s just because I’m a young girl who feels a substantial amount of pressure on every single aspect of my life. I have to say the right things, look a certain way and act appropriately. Particularly with this attention, I’ve been put on this impermanent stage to shout out about mental health and I’m terrified at the things people will nitpick about me – how I look and what I say.

Like I said yesterday, it’s about perspective. I might not enjoy being an advocate because I hate photos but I love helping. So long as there’s a cause, I will keep fighting.

Other than maybe the apprehension and anticipation, I am feeling good and doing great. I wish I had an extra day in the week, I need to focus more on doing my summer project for university but I’ve just been so rushed off my feet. I also essentially write an essay every single night on here – just for you all to read. If I were to write a book, it would be mighty long.

Yesterday I told you to try something new, I hope many of you gave that a bash. If you want to talk you know where I am. I think it’s important to push yourself out your comfort zone, there are times in live where it’s just compulsory. Starting a new job, moving home… things like these are necessary but nerve-wracking however they add such beautiful experiences to your life. Live a life of colour, nobody should have a life with absolutely no stimulus. Even if you have no motivation or feel so sad you can’t get out of bed… today just try and put your slippers on and take the bins out! Small steps are just as significant as big ones, so long as it’s a step in the right direction. One thing about life is that it is entirely personal to you, with all new-fangled social media we’re almost drawn to compare and compete with each other. Your life is yours and should be lived by you and for you.

You’re a fantastic being, just push yourself a little bit more each day and you will enjoy the paradise of a free mind and happy life.

Speak soon friends,
Aymie