Tuesday, 16 June 2015

DAY 5

Feeling: whiney

I woke up feeling really awful and realised my means of help was only the A&E department, I knew that they would indeed take me in because of my BPD but I thought they would only treat me in adult psychiatry most probably if I was on the verge of suicide. I guess it's to do with how many beds... It's a case of priority. I feel a bit like I need lifted out of my setting to heal. I thought about hospitalization but 1. They might not take me, and 2. I felt selfish. It's not nice to make people worry about me in hospital and very much so isn't nice to take time off work, I'm needed.
Today I tried not to wallow in it, quite honestly I think it's waking up that's the most difficult because I'm like 'this again!', and it's a rerun of my day where I feel like 2% good.
I think my boyfriend is sick of me. I really do. He's the only person I honestly talk to about this, I keep my friends out of it - as much as they say they're there for me, I feel like... You're not supposed to be. And how do you say you're not enjoying your life anymore without looking needy.
As I was doing great for maybe a month, my appointments are all hanging in the air. My psychiatrist doesn't want to see me til 22nd July, which is a long time away. He felt I was doing okay and he wants to see how lithium is when correct dosage. It's been 5 weeks and it's not the correct dose yet so it's not working. And my mental health nurse - who's supposed to see me weekly-fornightly, well I haven't seen her in 5 weeks. She didn't give me an appointment until I was medicated, then she cancelled and said she'd send me out a letter with a new appointment. But she didn't bother her arse, I mean she's making enough money doing less of a job so why should she exert herself in her role? She gets paid regardless of who she gives appointments to!
It feels a lot like mental health are all up in my shit when I'm actually O.K. That's when I have 3 appointments a week. When something changes and things go badly, they are nowhere to be seen. I don't think that's very fair, granted they don't know - but if you're still adjusting treatment for someone you've diagnosed with swinging mood, you really gotta consider how long they'll last at 'being okay'.
Wow, just considered all that I'm writing - I'm so whiney! This should be called 100 days of whining.
I always feel worse when I am 'negative' because I remember this girl who attacked me for tweeting how much I disliked PDA couples, yellin' that I was such a negative person for using the word 'hate'. I mean I totally used the word hate in the way a Kardashian would, I hardly was like 'I HATE PEOPLE'. And also on that point, it's a bit like if I'm suffering from a mental illness that makes me negative and you say shit about me being negative, then it's counterproductive. That's like telling someone with two broken legs: "just run already!". To be fair, that story is short because that girl was an immense bully with a bad outlook, and she wasn't exactly intelligent; that's not even an attacking statement, it's generally a fact.
On the case of positives of my day, I'm feeling good spending time with the puppy until she frantically barks at me for no reason, then I'm like 'DAAAAAISSSSYYYY!'. More steam coming out my ears than the kettle. We've started using a water bottle as discipline (She's a beagle; she literally can't be disciplined and it was a last measure), when she gets sprayed she just looks at you like... 'Excuse me?'. That puppy has so much sass.
Which reminds me, I have to apply for SAAS.
Awesome.

See you tomorrow!