Sunday, 28 June 2015

DAY 16

Struggling to manage stress. I mean I had a great day today, I went on a beagle walk with Daisy and dad. Daisy is dad's dog, to keep him company since his dog died - to make it easier for me to move out in time.
All my dad does is avoid his commitment to the dog. And when he does ACTUALLY look after the dog, he complains. My life revolves around the dog, I am guilt tripped about working because I have to leave the dog and she's not my dog. My dad loves her and says she's his girl etc. and how much he loves her and he just neglects her so much, I feel like I have to deal with her and it worries me sick. I might never get to move out, and what if my dad gives her up? I love the dog 10 thousand times more than I love my dad, isn't that awful? I love animals so much more than I love people. 
The worst fucking part is that I can't talk to anyone about it, none of my nurses... My psychs... Because they'll see 'getting rid of the dog' as the option. I don't want to live with my dad anymore. But I don't have the means to take the dog, because he acts like he doesn't want her. And so everyday I live in a household that is detrimental to my mental wellbeing.
My dad, I love him. He's a great dad. He just doesn't understand things, he has his own issues but I wish he'd seek the help to get them resolved because it's ruining me. I feel like I need a social worker. I don't feel content within my home, but I don't wanna get rid of the dog. I can't get rid of the dog.
Honestly? I wish my dad would stand up and honor his fucking commitments. He complains and yells at me all the time, and then when I feel upset or angry he says 'you need to check your meds'. He doesn't understand my mental illness and he uses it as an excuse everytime he wants to argue. And I'm helpless.
He brings it up every single day. Is that bullying? I don't know what I can do. Like I said, I have to stay for the dog. Do I wish I never got her in the first place? Of course. We only got her to keep HIM company, and instead he complains about her all day. It's hard to live with but I live with it. I love the dog, she's not going anywhere and because of that... Neither am I.