Thursday, 11 June 2015

DAY 1



Feeling: Pretty Low

It's June 11th 2015, I have had a really great week in theory. I have a great new job, I managed to finish my university year with top grades and I've kept myself busy. At the moment I'm essentially the girl who 'has it all'.
This is the first post on my blog, of which I explained is to monitor my moods for bipolar disorder. Today was the day I basically swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. I will post separately about my BPD history if you're new and want to know a bit of background to the 'crazy'.
For the past week I have felt okay, but a little anxious. I've cried most days this week - I did not think this was depression however, I just felt a lot was bubbling under the surface and it got to me. Like a normal emotion would, I occasionally cried over things that were out of my control and upset me.
As a person, I was never a 'crier'. Nowadays, its difficult not to cry when I feel startled by something - so it's definitely much more common. Like I mentioned, I wasn't sure this was depression - I have been on new medication for around a month and I was doing really well, feeling quite normal.
I have still experienced hallucinations, mostly at night, but it had been calming down until now.
Today I saw my ex comment on Facebook and felt startled about it, I felt overwhelmed in seconds. It was just like it ticked the years back and I felt like a little girl confused about her emotions and I had a panic attack. I reactivated my old social media and read a conversation with him, and felt overwhelming guilt. I tortured myself essentially, I rubbed salt in wounds that I felt never really healed and that's the issue. I feel a lot of things are very much unresolved and that everyone is moving on and the world is still turning but I am still little girl lost.
I'm a person who likes to fix things. If there's something I don't like - I do something about it, but with my past I am trapped. What do you do if everyone has moved on from a situation, but you haven't? I would feel a lot better if I could talk to those I have history with, but wouldn't I just be a complete tornado to their normality? I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut to save face, when really I am completely crumbling over the same thing every few months/years.
It feels impossible to talk, I can't talk to the people I feel I need to because I would upset them. I talk to my loved ones, and it hurts them.
I would like to forget so many years of my life, so I could feel better. I want to focus on my life again, but I can't be positive. I think this might be the start of depression again, it feels so unresolved. I know deep down the issues that I have aren't truly the problem, it's just me and how I feel.
I kinda wish Mania back, I was so productive (a little destructive!) but I was the most positive person in the world and I really just need that. I want to stop my lithium to bring that back. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully these feelings will go away immediately and it's not my old friend depression.
*Snuggles with Beagle Puppy*