Monday, 15 June 2015

DAY 4

Feeling: low again



I'm still fighting back the depths of depression, because I don't want to think that way but maybe it's already happened. I still have periods of feeling content, so maybe things might turn around promptly. I'm worried this blog is very much going to be negative, I thoroughly doubt I'll reach mania within 100 days.
I've been having bad dreams again, the kind where a hypothetical scenario pans out and it ends pretty badly. Now I'm aching. I decided to be productive today and get my mind off it and feel something else but someone cancelled plans on me last minute. I went to the beach with my dad and the puppy where she was allowed off lead and was running like crazy, so happy to be free.
We underestimate that.
I mentioned ECT yesterday, because I want to be free of my demons. I have had thoughts to harm myself, not cutting. If I was guaranteed of the success, I'd have a fall on the head and give myself brain damage and just lose all memories. I forget the good memories and remember the bad everyday of my life and it hurts more than anyone can believe. I remember situations exactly, I remember my mistakes, my torment, the abuse - and my loneliness. I can remember the date and time horrible things happened to me. I hoard bad memories, then present like I've moved on but I haven't.
I am stuck in a different year of my life and I can't get out.
I need a miracle, and I don't have faith.

I struggle with the authenticity of my thoughts, do I want this? Is this me? Or is it just my mood, and my disorder presenting itself. My sadness itself, is it valid? I shouldn't feel sad anymore, so it would lead me to think this is all inflamed by my bipolar disorder.

My obsessive compulsive disorder makes me feel vulnerable. When I was diagnosed, I worried but thought - I don't clean a lot and I don't miss the cracks on the pavement. I obsess over people, conversations and actions. My actions differ and are compulsive towards certain people, there are people I cannot touch at all or I feel sick. I make decisions based on how many times I see a lamppost in the car, I thought I was just being weird. But this is probably the onset of my bad thoughts.

It works like this:
I live with consistent psychosis, Schitzophrenia-like symptoms.
My OCD inflames a depression > consistent anxiety and panic attacks > too much sleep or too little > vivid dreams, deeper psychosis > harm
Then I'm given a new antidepressant to remedy the depression or I have a large stress then poof!
Talking 500 words per minute > OCD in productive ways > mania > happy Trippy psychosis and hallucinations > no sleep, hardly eating > irritability > aggression > complete delusion

My doctor says its like my mood is on a pendulum and it swings from one end to the other, as much as mania is destructive and I lose 90% of my friends each time (I'm an avid facebook deleter) it makes me so happy and productive . There are no bad memories.

I feel ECT would relieve me from the bad memories or at least give me a better perspective such as - Dont pity someone who sexually and mentally abused you.
It's like I do have common sense, I just can't go with it. ARGH.

Thanks for reading, this was a little long. I hope someone can relate or give absolutely smashing advice - things are crashing faster than the hulk off the helicarrier.