Sunday, 28 May 2017

DAY 42: Rapid-Cycling

I used to be afraid of the future, but in the most ironic manner, the solemn tones of my present reassured me about all that could be. Each move I make carries such consideration, but the air around what I do has become a little more clean - I feel the weight of my errors are less heavy, and in turn I put a lot less pressure on myself.

When I last wrote I suppose I was a belittling myself and also feeling sorry for myself. I do get swept up in pity a lot, when I look back at things that have happened to me and of course when I listen to many people's opinions, shock and sympathy - it's so easy to be taken aback and think: 'Wow! Indeed! Poor me, this is not fair!'. It leaves me in a state where I am continuously trying to calculate my emotions - in a way to get by and in a way to monitor my illness as a whole. I am trying to communicate with medical professionals and get the right help, but the way my illness sits is at rapid-cycling; something I have not experienced before.

I have always explained my illness as something that - contrary to popular belief - slides between being normal and having an episode, be it mania or depression. Although I acknowledged the existence of rapid cycling in others, I never felt it would be something that would affect me. I am very quickly slipping between being manic and being depressed - and I have never felt that kind of 'YoYo' between episodes before. In terms of treatment it's making things more difficult, I know I am going to have to commit to even more appointments and I may have to delay moving on with the next part of my life - but my health is something I can't risk.

If I explain the feeling, it's like trying to control something that is completely out of your hands. I try and slow everything down to just keep things peaceful - but I am rioting between being essentially wild and not sleeping for 2-3 days and lying in a slump in a bid to calm down which turns into just constant crying and isolating myself. At the moment, in my life, I have a break from university for a few more days but I am just so out of routine that it's pushing me from feeling like I should. It's hard to divulge the nature of what I am going through with friends and family without causing them great concern and without making them intervene. With my health, I feel it's at a place where I could maybe opt for hospitalisation to try and get some respite but I am definitely feeling conscious in myself and I am understanding to a decent extent what I'm going through. I know I am ill, I know to take those necessary steps when they are needed.

What I've found is the real special aspect that promotes recovery from Mental Illness is possessing the ability to know when you are unwell, I would have so many bipolar episodes before and not recognise I need help until I reached that crisis point where I needed taken to a crisis team and assessed. I know internally, although I don't recognise it every moment of everyday, is that my mind is trying to break down and deal with a lot of grief and stress. Having an illness with such a complex nature that flares at any sign of disruption or stress definitely makes this period of my life more difficult to deal with, but that is not to say it is impossible to deal with.

I sign off this post with the hope and optimism that knowledge really is power, and that knowing what I am going through and knowing where to go for assistance through this challenging episode will guide me to the next part of my life - one in the glory of recovery, one hopefully with less grief and more puppies.