Friday, 19 May 2017

DAY 39: Quiet

As I get on with my last crucial deadline I'm figuring out a few things: how to find the time to eat and have toilet breaks when having a hardcore work ethic, how to go several days without washing my hair and how I've subconsciously become someone else.
When my friends see me or speak to me, it makes me cringe to hear that I inspire them because I don't find anything I do truly inspiring. I can see the positive changes in myself with how I am with other people, I am so much more positive and I'm a good person to be around. It's not a performance either, I'm positive without having to work hard to be. I don't have to act happy, I am. Those things are great for me and I'm not complaining at all about being a person that people want to be around. But, I feel different.
I don't have to think about how I act around others and I am good and well, but something isn't clicking for me now. I don't feel unhappy, I'm happy! But I can't help but notice I'm just such a different human being. I've became less attached to people and perhaps my own life. Like I'm living in blissful, unintentional ignorance. I would think about other people non stop and now I don't think enough about anything. Perhaps it's because I have an element of peace, but it just feels like everything in me is unintentionally quiet. I feel like I have such a different relationship with other people now, everyone thinks it's better and wants to be around me but I just don't feel like I need anyone. I speak to my friends nonstop, but it doesn't feel like a need. I noticed this whole aspect of myself trough the fact that I have thousands of things going on that I've never had the energy to even explain to my friends, which is not like myself.
I feel like I'm a confidante to everyone, and I feel no mental taxation or emotional attachment to them. But I don't seek anyone out to know me on a different level. I know I'm being really deep and overthinking the situation but I can't help but feel my relationship with people has been changed forever and I can't interact with people like I used to. It's not that I'm missing that or craving it, it's just odd. In short, I'm just not an emotional person anymore. I'm warm, I'm funny and I do care about others but I just don't have attachment to anything. I think I got so worn out with my emotions and attachment with my last break-up that it well and truly broke that emotional capacity in me. I can't tell whether how quiet I am now is a positive or a negative. I think everyone around me sees it as a positive, but even if it were a negative - I can't tell because I don't feel enough. How do you stop being quiet?