Saturday, 6 May 2017

DAY 37: Perspective

What kind of person are you when you're on your own? What do you think, what do you do? As soon as you take away who and what is around you, the genuine version of yourself comes out. If all the conversations you had were conversations with yourself - how would you speak? Do you have peace when everything goes quiet?

After a very difficult time, I've managed to come to terms with my emotions and how I feel about myself. I've learned how to treat and be with myself, I'm less scared of when it goes quiet - when I'm not focused on something or with the people I love - my mind is calm.

In the past few months I've been tired with everything. I've discussed vaguely but I had to come to terms with my brother dying, my friends having their own horrible disasters, my relationship failing, my ex moving on after just a few short weeks, home truths and things haven't been easy with university at this most crucial time. There's probably altogether a lot of reasons to not bother and to just stay in bed, but that's failing myself and I feel in control of my mood enough to keep going.

After my brother-in-law's funeral yesterday, I felt like I got to close a period of raw emotional disasters. I'm lifting the phone now, I've released all that pent up frustration and I'm teaching myself how to be me again. There's a wonderful full circle in that. There's a lot of situations I don't feel are resolved, but perhaps not everything has to be for me to feel at peace with myself. Not all situations and people want to be saved, so if a situation is unwilling despite your efforts, then you realistically have to put your emotions in a box and not open it back up again.

I realise - from dealing with my sister and her family's grief, those I know who are struggling and the people who desperately reach out to me as a result of this blog - that I honestly can't save you all! I hope what I provide to other people, as a result of my willingness and how much I desperately care for others to always be happy and well, is helpful but I don't think it's enough. I get emotionally invested in helping people, and like I said - not all people and situations have willingness and you can't force things. I'm available for everyone whenever they want to open up to me and I can provide support and unjudgemental love, but I'm just human too. Realising I can't save the world means that I can learn to live with 'things are how they are'.

My friend said to me yesterday that I'm now living my best life and that I have a different glow about me, perhaps all the pain and all the situations I couldn't change developed me as a person. Like Mimi Black 2.0. The same girl, but with gratifying updates. Perhaps all the nasty shit made me have a new air about me, a more special girl - one that people want to know.

One thing is for certain, for all that life has thrown at me - the most special thing is that I'm still standing. Despite giving into what I can't control, I have not given up.

Still your girl, but better,
Mimi