Saturday, 27 May 2017

DAY 41: Actuality

I can't differentiate mood with emotion and as everything comes crashing down I'm coming to terms with what I'm thinking and how to process that thinking. Maybe things are just a momentary lapse but I can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world and that I voluntarily drag myself through hell.
Perhaps because everything's went quiet it's like everything has escalated by ten in my mind, but honestly even though it's been months I'm struggling to process my break-up. With how ridiculous it is, maybe I convinced myself it had bled me dry because I was so busy and consumed by everything but I still harbor so much emotion towards it and it really, really hurts my feelings. I have lasting feelings in the sense that I don't feel over it, I still feel so much love for him that I have entirely avoided moving on but also lasting feelings that I know what is sensible and good for me, and I need to come to terms with a plan that delivers me a decent sense of closure because obviously I have not achieved that.
I've definitely remained quite quiet about it and I don't know if it's out of fear for myself that speaking to people about something makes it a real nightmare or if it's just pride. I'm sensible to recognise at the very least it's a real, human situation and how I respond as I come to terms with what my life is can't truly be criticised.
I feel hurt and almost bertrayed by myself because all the emotion I feel is nonsensical because what I went through was absolute hell and I can't understand why I would miss what I miss, or why I'd still even be attached to something that only ever saw me heartbroken. I had a plan and I thought it was working, I was doing really well but I guess it just delayed an inevitable.
I have not sussed it all out and I feel lost and upset but it's something I will figure out I'm sure, I'm just trying not to beat myself up over how I feel even though I know all my feelings aren't sensible. I feel responsible after all this time for just breaking my own heart.