Today was a tough day and I don’t want to lie about it, as uncomfortable as I do feel talking about it. I just woke up feeling heartbroken, really devastated – and I’m not even sure if there was a reason but I just felt miserable. It was horrible because I had to cancel my plans and stay in bed until late afternoon because I was crying on and off for 3 hours so I just told whoever asked that I was ‘unwell’. I was allowed an emergency doctors appointment, but I refused because I know I would be put on medication that isn’t right for me and I didn’t want to leave my house so I just stayed in bed and fought through it I guess.
Sometimes I forget how difficult it is and how I can just wake up and be miserable, so it was pretty awful this morning for me. I feel like I sound whiney talking about it, but I was full blown sobbing for no reason and I just had to be alone with myself and try and get over it. Maybe anxiety boils up, probably been too positive for my own good and it’s hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m drinking it’s been a trigger, maybe it’s because I’ve been staying up really late recently. I don’t know what it was, and that’s the frustrating part. I think the point is, I shouldn’t be off my medication so I need to sort that out. I don’t think I’m in a depressive episode, but I think I’m heading there.
What’s worse is that when I feel so upset I just can’t do anything at all. I was really happy with myself because I got out of the house twice today for a short walk to the shop and a walk with my dog, where-as this morning I had definitely felt like I was going to be stuck in bed through the full day.
Once I pushed myself to go out (even if it were for only five minutes), I did feel better. I do have this horrible habit of putting salt in the wound when I feel upset. I was going on social media and checking up on an old flame, who is with this incredible girl now and it felt like I got punched in the gut. I don’t feel it was out of jealousy – I didn’t want him, I didn’t want to be her. I think it was pure grief at the fact that someone who had made me so miserable hadn’t a second doubt about it or a slither of guilt and had been able to just live an extremely happy life whilst I was here, unhappy potentially because of him.
I’m cautious with speaking about triggers because I don’t believe people can cause a depression for me, my illness does that – however, with the stress I’ve been under for the past 8 months, sometimes people aren’t the best thing for me when I’m still very much ill. With the last man that hurt me, he stomped all over me and didn’t feel any remorse with all the knowledge that I was very much impressionable and vulnerable at that time. Maybe what I feel now is a delayed reaction from how hurt I was then, how I avoided a depression after that experience still blows my mind – but maybe I didn’t get to walk away unscathed and the memory of it is here to torture me now.
I feel selfish, because everything is pretty good in my life but I’m feeling upset over nothing. My brain just winds itself up, I think about old things and I get upset about them now when really none of the situations matter anymore.
My next moves are to get back all the treatment I had before and work with that. I hope this doesn’t escalate into something worse, but I’m sensible enough to realize that it could and at least I’m noticing something’s happening. It’s very difficult not being normal.
Hopefully I’ll be back to my happy self tomorrow, I’ll let you know.
(I've been fine on/off pretty much for 2 months and I start this blog and we're 6 days in and it kicks in! It's gonna be a long 100!)