Monday, 12 October 2015

DAY 96


We’re getting exceedingly close to the end of my 100 days; I feel I’ve succeeded to write a lot and although when times got really tough I had to take a break… I managed to regain myself and come back and keep documenting my highs and lows; no joke intended.

I’m doing really well, which is great. Things are working out the way I want them to and I feel sure of what I want in certain aspects. I got a place on the Fashion Show Organisation group that I wanted, I don’t feel too stressed out about workload and I’m managing to maintain professional life, school life and social life quite well. I guess I am doing well. I’ve managed to create some form of stability and although there are so many things that I wish didn’t happen or panned out differently – I can accept what isn’t there, and think of the positives too. I also have a new hair colour, which is quite daring!

This week, as ever, is another busy week. I schedule my dinner dates and evenings out around workload which is not always fun! I have the awards ceremony this week, a full university timetable and then there are the numerous medical appointments. When I’m not fulfilling obligations I’m working on the blog, emails, press and volunteering. There’s quite a lot there. I’m definitely enjoying myself now and the fruits of my labour, I feel I’m doing everything for a reason and that’s so nice.

I still hurt though, you know? I think there are certain things that will always make me feel sad, but it’s a natural, human kind of sadness. We all feel emotional pain and not all of us can just walk away from that. What I’ve done is I’ve put that pain in a little box, locked it and thrown it to the back of my bag. I’ll always feel upset over certain issues but I won’t let it get to me, I won’t even think about it. I’m a good person in the sense that usually when people get to me that are mean-spirited or obviously wrong, it doesn’t last long and I can just discard my thoughts about it because they aren’t worth it. The trouble is in the pain that’s caused by someone, who is entirely worth it. Not that I’ve ever felt pain is worth anything, there are just some people who are good people and when bad situations arise it’s a massive shame – one that you can’t really recover properly from.

I’m living my life full of love and honesty, and it truly feels like a new chapter of my life – one where I can accomplish more and stay well. I’m a really strong woman and regardless of my illness, it does take a lot to tear me down when I’m feeling good. Nothing can take away the love and respect that I have for myself and I carry myself with a huge amount of pride, because I like who I am. There are things I love, I hate, I lust over and I weep over. I am a human being and I love being myself - illness or no illness.

I feel the closure, I feel the love for myself and all around me again. It’s all a very clean experience. Goodbye sad days.

P.S. Love to those there for me through the worst: Dristi, Tapiwa, Marie, Ross, Arianne, Leanne, My family and unforgettably Kyle.

P.P.S. Here’s a beautiful cover, that’s very much relevant.

"The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no-one heard a thing"