Friday, 16 October 2015

DAY 100 - Goodbye

Here it is, the final instalment. I pondered many ideas on what to do for this last post – I never thought I’d actually get up to Day 100 so I can’t say I’ve given it great thought. I recorded a video but as I looked back at the footage, it felt too set up. It didn’t feel like it had the natural intrigue that the original blog had. I’m sorry if all this time you’ve hated reading, but for my final day – lets go back to basics.

In the space from June to October, my mental illness has made me take a break from work and it has ended my relationship. I darted about the topics previously, and I wasn’t direct so I apologise. The industry I was in was completely wrong and I couldn’t work with the public because of how bad my psychosis got. My relationship ended around 5/6 weeks ago. Him and I were together for 2 years and adored each other and it was all quite perfect. However, he started setting up a life with a girl with an illness. He never signed up to that, and it wasn’t that we couldn’t cope – it was that it had become cruel to just cope. If I ever meet someone else, I want them to know the deal before they agree. Not just try and put up with things out of love, I want someone to know what’s happening and love them anyway. This wasn’t a case of getting ill and recovering, this was permanent and I couldn’t be a part of someone else’s life when I didn’t even know myself.

Recently, I told you about someone taking advantage of me. Someone I vaguely knew read my blog and felt I looked impressionable enough to manipulate. I was so unaware for a while, my friends were hurt by it and inevitably I was hurt by it. I may have an illness that makes me vulnerable, but as a strong-minded woman – I am clever enough to know bad news. It still hurts because I feel foolish but there are bad people in this world and we just have to deal with that. It makes me stronger.

I guess you can all understand the hard time now, right?

I will say I’ve never regretted sharing so much, although it made me vulnerable and tempted the wrong people – it just says so much more about them than it does me. I’m not a na├»ve person and I’m glad that I can be independent, even though I am unwell. Sharing was what brought you all a safe place in this blog. I’m so glad so many of you got to read through my journey and I hope it managed to educate you all, maybe provide a relatable story or just change your perspective. It has been such an eye-opening experience, I used to be so embarrassed that I was ill and now I am not. I know that I am a good person and that I will find the life I deserve. I’ve learned such perseverance and courage, more than anyone can imagine and I am very much recovering.

I’m in a good place right now, after a hard time – I’ve managed to navigate myself out of troubles.

The future of the blog is unclear however it will continue in some manner. Although there will not be a continuation at the moment of another 100 days, it’s been exhausting. I’m taking time out for myself and shutting down my internet. I will no longer be appearing on your feeds and if you message, I’ll try and reply when I get back. I don’t know if I’m away for 2 days or 200, but we’ll see. I just need no more days of Mimi, so I can have a day for me.

I would like to say thank-you to all who have read all these posts, whether you joined on day 10 or day 93. I’ve loved speaking with you all and sharing, and I’ve particularly loved the feedback you’ve given or the stories you’ve told me. You all inspire me so much and you are in my thoughts every single day.

We’ve been in newspapers, featured by charities, on television and on various webpages and now we’re here. I’ve enjoyed this experience so much and I’ve grew to love you all as friends not just as an audience. I never expected this to become so big, but I’m so happy it started conversations about mental health around the world. Please all continue living with the kindness that you’ve shown me, please have faith in yourself and don’t be scared to talk. You are all such inspiring individuals, and we are all working towards our own goals.

So for me, I don’t know what the next step is. I’ve never felt so lost to be honest. It’s time for my adventure. I will live in the light of love and kindness, and most importantly I will love myself. I’ve always been unpredictable, I don’t know where you will see me next or when. I hope our paths cross.

In the meantime – be strong, be loud and know that you are never on your own.


Mimi.