I had to lock my twitter down again, don’t worry – I’m not
closing myself off - I’m recuperating. I’m sorting my thoughts out, slowly but
surely and I am feeling good with myself. I haven’t taken my medication in 5
days now – I know I shouldn’t do that, my initial point was ‘There is no water
to take this and it’s late so I’ll leave it’, now it’s ‘I’m doing so well and I
think I’m okay without it at the moment’. I can already feel the angry eyes on
me right now, particularly when my family read this blog post. I’ll get slapped
wrists - but don’t worry I will definitely be on top of this all tomorrow.
I am honestly okay, actually I am really good. I’m a little
more short fused according to my dad, but I just feel like there is so much to
put up with lately – there are only so many things I can grin and bear before I
take a situation into my own hands. I’m working on something I’ve struggled
with my whole life, my existence has always kind of been decayed by my ability
to care for others. I always put people before myself and I just think that for
once – it should be me, and it can be me if I just focus on putting my positive
energy into productively changing my life for the better.
You know I feel good but I’m not invincible. I feel really
lonely a lot now and I guess it’s just about becoming accustomed to who I am as
an individual – I always felt I was independent but it wasn’t until I had
entirely removed myself from those around me that I realised I had very little
independence. I want to enjoy my own company, I want to get better on my own
and there’s a lot of pain behind that. I want to take my situation and I want
to learn from it, furthermore I want to become a better person and gain
stability.
A big part of this all – I guess – is getting rid of those
people who threaten what I have or what I could have. I’m striving for
greatness, and if you are standing in front of me purely as an obstacle – I guess
I have to remove you. It’s bittersweet really. I am honestly okay though, surprisingly
so. I am obviously still having moments through this, but I have hope and that
is the most powerful tool that I have. I’m enjoying all the alone time I have
given myself – just to recover from this horrible illness. It’s so difficult
and I don’t think it’s fair – but it’s my life, opting out just wouldn’t be my
style.
I’m making massive changes and moving mountains – it’s
overwhelming, but I’m going to become the woman that I want to be. One who
loves her life devotedly and healthily.
