Everyday is getting easier. However, sometimes in the space and time I’m in – it does feel overwhelmingly difficult. I’m balancing an extreme amount of pain at the moment and it’s probably been the first honest test of my mood control. I’m trying so hard every living second of my day, to keep my head above water. There are seconds where I look into blank space and I feel tears, I feel this passionate urge to cry but I don’t. It’s all a bit like it’s stacked against me and this time, at this moment – I don’t have medication to control me. I will not get my prescription until tomorrow, even still it may be weeks before anything takes effect.
I’ve recognized my trigger through all this stress and heartbreak, and I’m warding it off as much as I possibly can although it feels very much inevitable that I’m going to go back to this blackness. I speak honestly on here and I tell you how well I’m doing, but I don’t think you would truly realise had you met me. I think all that are around me can see my life is a little messy and I’m having a really tough period – but to feel pain and not resort to inconsolable depression, that entirely means I’m doing well.
I will always feel human emotion and although the potential within me is to feel it more passionately, it isn’t always the case because I am indeed human. However, for me what is important is to recognize these triggers and do everything I possibly can to stop a Depressive or even Manic Episode, which come with such desolation that even when I am brought out of it – there’s so many reparations to be made in the aftermath.
A coping mechanism I’ve built up recently is just talking (for hours) on the phone! I particularly love my best friend Dristi who is such an intelligent, wise girl who is so certain in every word that she says that her language almost has a texture: it’s so real. I feel the sensation of my friendship almost replicates independence but in the most inviting manner, because what we bring to the friendship is very much individual and it’s the time to say what we think, what we want and act how we want to be. Within a friend, I find my sense of place and a sense of freedom.
I thought about the saviour of friendship today when I had lunch with my closest today. We were all laughing about the silliest things, mimicking stupid things that we said and the feeling was just so irreplaceable. We were in a triangle of humour and that is my biggest superpower – possessing the ability to make myself and others laugh. I do secretly love it when my friends title me as the ‘funniest’, a title I relish in and have considered on many occasions printing it on a massive banner and a badge and a mug and… you get it. It’s nice to feel special and to be appreciated for my quirks, I can admit the mental illness makes me a little weird but it’s nice for my sense of humour not to be categorised so much as ‘weirdness’. We spoke about how my quotes should be written on T-Shirts, I’m sure they would sell. Quotes include the infamous:
“I like to have a degree of class”
“It’s so, so easy to get it up, but what we don’t realise is the struggle of getting it down”
Of course, they are used in such an innocent context but they are admirable as stand alone statements.
My evaluation of today: I feel I’ve learned to recognize triggers over the past week and I’ve found ways to distract myself. I’ve learned to progress regardless of my experience and I’ve managed to live my life in a way where those around me would never know there was trouble, because I smile a lot. I’m relishing spending time with friends and having jokes, ideas and generally having a lot of fun. All these things are of course distractions, but over time this will become permanent and this happiness, which may feel so temporary at moments, will settle in.
I'm not afraid anymore of what will happen, because to me the worst has happened. I'm not living in fear, I'm staring fear in the face and I'm actively directing myself around that. This temporary feeling of joy, may not be temporary but all I know now is I shouldn't fear for what leaves me, I should anticipate what's to come. You'll never know if something is really temporary unless you live it out, I'm waiting on joy to take residence and it will - that's why I can still feel so good, because I'm not afraid - I'm excited. I'm excited because life isn't over and although I feel so empty at various stages in my day, it will never swallow up my huge lust and ambition for happiness.