I recognize it has been a while since I have last posted, a few of you may feel that I’m oblivious to my readership. However, writing has been at the forefront of my mind and has become a bit of a stressor too. I realise that overwhelming amounts of you are reading this blog everyday and it makes me wonder, even when I have not posted, why are you here? Perhaps my guidance has been thought provoking; it maybe makes you reflect on yourself in the context of your wellbeing. Possibly my writings are recognized as educational, providing some kind of enhanced insight into the life of a ‘Bipolar’. Imaginably, a lot of you are reading these posts as a story – one of a young woman with ups and downs. In this wistful tale, the chapter was cut abruptly short, allowing you - the reader - to invent the rest of my story.
I do not have anxiety about the details of why you are reading my blog – I negotiate with myself that the notice is a compliment. I want you to know at the very least that although you may feel I have discarded this, I have not. I opted to take a break from writing to invest more care and interest in my life. If reading my inactive blog makes you feel like a person in a big empty room, I assure you that you are not, I’m still here.
To explain my deficiency: I had suffered some physical health problems from July, resulting in my hiatus. When I last spoke, I explained had a viral infection. To elucidate the details of that period, the viral infection lead to my hospitalisation for pneumonia. Unfortunately nearer the end of the year, I managed to get a second case of pneumonia, a kidney infection and at the start of this year I had glandular issues. Physically, at this moment in time, I am healthy and I had dealt with the mental taxation of being sick very well. My moods were what I would describe as regular for the remainder of 2016.
In response to those may feel or had assumed my break was due to the pressure of my ‘Viral’ presence - it was not. The posts previous which describe how I dealt with becoming ‘news’ hopefully sum up that it was a difficult period, but something I was able to stay strong through, despite the few (vastly outnumbered) negative misogynistic comments I had received. I glided through the experience well, I managed to avoid extra attention and gratefully I retained my quiet, uncomplicated, peaceful life.
Pushing on from my introductory drivel and updating you on the essential gossip on myself, I’ll return to the reason I started this mood blog. How am I?
The question alone makes this the most difficult post I’ve ever had to write.
I’m not great. I’ve had a disorderly few weeks in a depressive episode. It’s challenging for me to talk about, even though I’ve discussed it at length on this blog before but I find it embarrassing having to come back to thousands of readers, who are keen to hear about what is happening with me, with a measly ‘it’s not all okay’. I feel a crushing amount of pressure to come back to a website where people seek my guidance and look desperately for some mode of inspiration, to only return after months detailing my feelings of miserableness.
I reviewed with friends at length the possibilities of my return to this blog – it did cross my mind that I could just tell a lie and pretend I was doing wonderfully. I brooded over how to be positive. I sincerely want to be an encouraging role model but I know myself that I have created a place where I can speak. Not only has speaking out become important in my battle with Bipolar Disorder but I have also become a voice for people who don’t feel ready to make these conversations about mental illness. I very much hope that I have become less of a coffee table reading fixture and more of a companion for those who can relate with my struggles.
I am here and making the first moves in re-establishing a healthy routine in my life. Before, writing a mood blog helped me become honest with myself and helped rid me of anxieties towards my illness so I am using the old tool to become myself once again. For the past 3 weeks I have been dejected and disheartened and I have struggled to feel excited about anything. When people don’t see me - I am in my bed, I won’t brush my hair or take care of myself. The skin around my eyes is so inflamed and cracked because I have rubbed at my eyes vigorously from crying in the past week. However, this weakness that I realise today, is my future strength. I am able to recognize that this is an episode of my illness, I am able to differentiate that I do not hate my life – my illness makes me feel that way.
I write for you as a woman in a depressive episode, who has felt impenetrable guilt everyday from the lack of motivation to achieve anything. I write for you as a frightened individual, letting you know that I do not have the control many have commended me for. I write for you with the tiny piece of optimism that this will be the first stage of putting myself back together. I will write for you, I will write for me.
Taking control of my own mood will always feel like learning to walk again, but I appreciate myself at the very least for recognizing and making that first step.
See you tomorrow,