Singularly, the most intriguing thing about how my year has evolved is perhaps my fall from grace and the way I jumped straight back up from it. In May, I crashed rock bottom. I was deeply depressed, I was manic and I had another frightening psychotic break. I harboured a lot of my issues, many people rely on me and it’s because I’m a person who is very emotionally in-touch, there’s a welcoming aura to someone who is non-judgemental but communicative about emotions. As a result of that pressure I had become secretive, and I consistently put other people’s needs before myself: sacrificing the needs that would create normalcy in my own life.
Simply, I felt very needed: by friends, family and people I
didn’t even like or know, per se. A glowing example is the second hand stress
that I experience every time someone communicates an issue to me, I take his or
her issue and I internalise it so much that I beat myself up about what I can’t
help or resolve. Being such an empath meant I was always destined to be dissatisfied.
Something I had come to recognize, which I have to rediscover time and time
again, because I’m an obsessive thinker and dweller, is that I can’t fix the
world. A new concept bred out of this however, is that I can fix myself.
In what could be described as a mini-series on this blog,
I’m going to start writing about my steps to a new positive life. This will be
a very personal series of writings and I hope that it provides you with some
more insight into how mental health affects individuals. I will reference my
own experiences and successes, I will suggest ways to be combative and
productive against long-term psychological issues and just communicate how I’ve
managed to maintain a very happy life. There will be a series of themes in relation
to this and I hope you welcome the
personable nature of these upcoming posts. I of course will ensure I don't seem preaching in tone, and I will state that I still do not know all the
answers. I just feel it could be helpful or at least interesting to explain to
you what has been consequential to my success despite my illness.
It would have been evident through quality, consistency
and frequency that my voice has not been the same on here since March when I
took a break. It’s hard to get into a routine and I could be vague and insist
my busyness has contributed to those issues, which I suppose it has, but I have
just felt insecure in my voice since initially vacating the blog. This community has been
something I have poured myself into so when I was made to feel so small by
other people, as a writer I just faded away, perhaps as a person too. I am now
at the place in my life where I’m doing so well that my faith feels unshakeable.
The people who made me feel small have been buried. I guess in some ways, the
time out from writing this blog also became a hiatus for my life – one where I
was able to re-engage my motivations and goals, and come back a stronger woman.
I hope the next few posts are engaging for you and at the
very least stimulate conversations about mental health. I aim to return to my
former glory in this community, in the sense of being honest and intimate once
more with all who read, without feeling intimidated.
I recognize I have written a post about writing posts.
Please enjoy the borderline nonsensical irony of that.
Oh, and thank-you for the hundreds of sweet birthday
messages across my social medias and in my emails. I am a very grateful
22-year-old.
