Thursday, 27 April 2017

DAY 33: Continue

I'm typing on my phone which is perhaps one of the most unreliable methods of communication for a blogpost. I'm also mentally exhausted and generally tired so it means that I probably won't proofread this piece that I'm writing until a more sobering time like tomorrow morning.

Life is being a little cruel recently, and perhaps the adjective of 'little' is belittling the situation. Needless to say I plough on with what I can and I push forward with positive aspects of my life. My brother-in-laws death has been a tragic, heartbreaking affair and when I last wrote I spoke about the implications this tragedy, personal circumstances and in turn my illness had on my degree.

I communicated further with my university today but I cannot receive favourable marking for my circumstances - despite being on track for a 2:1 all year - if I don't get a good grade in 4 weeks time then it goes against my degree. Also as a result of everything being so close to the end, I cannot receive an extension for lost time. Which means my options are: work my fingers to the bone to get the mark I deserve, drop out with a regular degree, take a year out and return or perhaps do a summer resit. In order to graduate, I have to just go ahead and push myself to get that grade I deserve. Despite the horrible circumstances. After university I'm going to have the longest sleep ever.

I received a call yesterday from my doctor saying she wants to see me because of a letter from my psychiatrist so I have no idea what that's for but hopefully the appointment isn't a waste of my time. My medication has also not arrived at the pharmacist it was supposed to be sent to 2 weeks ago, which means I've not been sleeping despite them prescribing something - because I'm unable to receive it!

Nights are really long now, I feel exhausted but I just can't sleep and I've convinced myself that it's ageing my skin!

However, positives - because there always are some - despite what's stacked against me I still have courage, motivation and optimism. Some moments are tougher than others but the little free time I get I spend really well just being with others and being there for them. A lot of my friends are having difficult times, with two just going through break-ups, and helping others deal with stress makes me feel better. Also, oddly flattering that people seek me for 'single woman' advice - it's nice that people can look at me and see strength. The advice I relay to anyone is simply: be yourself, be kind and find peace. Relevant advice for almost all emotional circumstances really.

I think what really pushes you on in horrible circumstances, and what best prepares you to find that peace within yourself despite the situations you can't control, is sense of purpose. Looking at why you're doing something and it's benefits. My sense of purpose is helping others. Helping others makes the people around me happy, it distracts me, it comforts me and it makes me feel good too sometimes. Your sense of purpose can be simple or complex: perhaps it's just keeping yourself happy or perhaps it's immersing yourself in a complicated project. In the time that you devote yourself to something that will build you as a person and help your wellbeing, you will start to  realise the reason to keep moving forward - your purpose. Your sense of purpose is your motivation.

With purpose I think of my issues with optimism: how do I best complete my university work so that I can look forward to spending time with the ones I love? Purpose is also a reward. My relationship with others is what comes on top for me, so I use that to drive me forward with the things I find difficult in my life. A day spent finishing university work is an evening I can spend with my family. Doing housework in the morning, means I have free time to be there for my friends who are going through rough patches and really need some wine and conversation. In order to fulfil my sense of purpose, I push through my difficulties.

For those reading who look to seek light inspiration: consider what's important to you. Not what you think should be, but what you value the most and find a way to incorporate that as your motivation. How do you nurture what you value most? Does this give you a sense of purpose? For me it helps me get through hard times knowing that there's a mighty good reason why I'm here today.