Saturday, 22 April 2017

DAY 32: Reformation

I apologise for leaving things as they were, just know that I was having a really difficult time coming to terms with all that was going on so I had to sacrifice things like writing. I realise now, that writing is a coping mechanism for me and for those who read - and I'd hate to part on a selfish note, although I will say putting my mental wellbeing first was what was important. I'll vaguely update you on circumstances as I don't really want to drag up any old news, but I want to assure you all on what's happened and how I progressed.

In March, I got dumped. So immediately following that I just beat myself up to a horrible degree, I just kept thinking if I could 'go back a month' I'd have been able to do things differently, if I was less honest maybe I'd cause less of a stir or even just generally dragging myself feeling like I was at fault. Now with hindsight, because I felt like that a good while ago now, I realise that I was taken away by things that were said to me and I was led to believe I was this worthless, bad person.

When I speak about details of it all with everyone, and I mean everyone, people get angry and they tell me 'no it was definitely not you' but I was so caught up in hating myself that I just couldn't see what other people were saying at that point, so I gave myself a really tough time. I was led to believe I did things wrong that could've changed the outcome of my relationship, but now looking at it realistically you can't just make people stay and that if I had not been dumped then - then when would it be?

Looking at the whole thing realistically and after the benefit of time I can recognise that I was not a bad person, and I poured myself into my relationship so much and I completely devoted myself. I was considerate and I know I was not what I was led to believe I was; however it's not me who gets to decide what's enough, and what isn't enough for one person is probably enough for another. I had a really difficult time, but I still stayed to try and work through it so I know that truly, I gave it my everything.

When I think about regrets, or at least what I used to regret - I think of what I told myself: 'If I could go back a month I'd pick up signs and change things', more recently if I feel angry about it all - how much of myself I gave away and how I was treated - I wish I could go back a year and have a complete do over, avoiding the situation entirely.

My realistic regrets, however, are much more balanced and based less on the resentment which I do find myself feeling. I regret beating myself up, I regret allowing myself to lose confidence, I regret making myself unwell and I regret not defending myself more. I regret the way I treated myself, independent of situations that go on with others, because I should've always put myself first. Quite simply, as my mum said, I can't regret how good I was to other people just because I didn't like the outcome and it's reassuring to hear her tell me too that what happened to me was cruel, and I couldn't change that.

I do find myself feeling resentful because of what I had to go through, but I had to go through all the shit to come out the other end feeling like better version of myself. Everyone who knows what went on too, they can be resentful - but there's no point in hoarding emotions over something you can't change and I at least now have the acceptance where I don't need to wish for it to have been different.

So I had a pretty intense period of hating myself and mourning. I lost someone who was supposed to be my closest friend, so I had to come to terms with that. But looking at the immediate actions of myself and him after the break-up at least verifies to me that it wasn't worth my time feeling sorry for myself and crying about it or not doing things for his sake, because again it's unequal - I was the only one who cared that much.

Being able to look at it realistically provided me the closure I needed in the sense that the unanswered questions don't need answered. I've come to terms with the things I got upset about like 'I don't know who I'll speak to when I'm sad' or 'who will know my specific drink order', because he's completely gone and there are other people in my life who can step up.

Now, I've been okay for a while. If it ever crosses my mind, I'll feel a little resentful at worst but I've accepted that I'm one person down in my life - and that's not something I should be sad about everyday or make myself guilty about.

So after that horrible time, basically I got referred back to my psychiatrist for bipolar relapse, although I think I was pulled out the hole before I got in it. Basically as a precaution because for a week I didn't eat and I hardly slept, I got these sedative anti-depressants to take before bed so I can sleep and I also got a different kind of antipsychotic. I have to see my GP every two weeks to go over medication etc. Bad things happened to me with horrible timing too, I had a month until my final deadline and so I ended up falling behind - so I have to arrange with department heads about it. Last week my brother-in-law tragically died too, so on top of all of that I have to deal with helping my sister out and any things that she needs - pushing me back at university once more.

Truly though, I can say it's a struggle but I feel well supported and I'm generally okay considering the circumstances. I'm back to myself where I can have a laugh with people and I'm building up my confidence again. I couldn't help the circumstances, I can't completely control my reactions to them - but I can at least put in the effort to care for my mental wellbeing and look after myself to avoid these situations worsening - and I think it'll be okay just moving forward. I owe it to myself to move on from these things and just build myself back to being the person that people around me loved. Importantly, just considering myself and what I want without having to be all 'but what would they think?'.

I'm going to be returning to this blog, I don't know if I can truly manage it to be daily but I will be continuing because this is important to me. I'm glad I've rushed through what has went on since March so at least now I don't have to talk about it again and I can bury the whole thing. I can get back to being myself without feeling guilty, and do what I love - which is helping others along the way.
Thank you for the unshifting support.

Mimi