What has happened, and what has been happening for over a month, leaves my family and friends in shock but it's necessary now to give up the aspects of my life which I popularly shared with you all.
I have tried so hard to be what you all expect of me, but I don't think I can now. I can't speak anymore, I can't tell the truth because of what will bite me back - I always told the truth before, but now I'm blocked to speak. There's so much more going on that you can't imagine, so I've been suppressing myself a lot.
It's been 2 years, and in those 2 years there has been over 60,000 of you. To be more precise, the first year there was only around 5,000. For you all, who have taken the time aside to read - and more those of you who have taken the time to understand, learn and reflect - I am so grateful.
I used to be honest - brave to some people - and I stood out as being someone who enjoyed success whilst managing an illness. Looking for the best in every situation, whilst still being human - and still struggling with my fight with Bipolar Disorder. I fought back on every claim anyone ever put against me as a result of my illness, I told them all that 'I can do this, I can be this person' despite whatever stigma was against me. I lived in such a way that people would get to know me and think 'what a nice girl', and would be unsuspecting of any of my own troubles.
With what stood against me, most recently, urged me to push on: educate with persistence. I thought, maybe if I could teach everyone around me about my illness and about it's implications, I could get everyone to understand and just treat me like a human being. It did not work. Going into reading something or watching a video with predetermined misconceptions just doesn't help. I will always be destined to lose.
Now I'm at a place where everything that I had going for me, being courageous and being motivated - is just gone. I used to be open, now I'm closed. It's always been seen as ridiculous by myself, and all who know me and what's going on in my life, that my illness meant I immediately had to 'prove myself'. Imagine having a label and for the rest of your life knowing that people expect you to work harder than everyone else, just to 'prove' you're a normal human being. Just to 'prove' that you're good enough.
I know myself, I am a normal human being and I have love for so many people and despite what people might assume, I am the figure of support for others. Not the other way around. I dealt with so many of my issues on my own, and I help others deal with theirs. Realistically it's just not possible anymore.
The odds were, and may always be, stacked against me. I'm just one girl sat in front a jury telling you to let me live in peace whilst I come to terms with myself and my recovery. Instead, there are too many people wanting to see my demise. When I speak, it's taken out of context - when I don't, there's further investigations. It unfortunately means I can't communicate myself publicly anymore, I know so many of you are reading and keeping in touch with me for good reasons, but there's people looking for me and all that I do and say, who are not looking for the good in me.
It's World Bipolar Day, and I want to say to all of you reading that I hope you have the motivation that I don't. I hope so much that all of you incredible individuals that I've met from this blog, or spoken to, just keep speaking out. For me, I don't know if there's any hope now other than to accept that I will never win. But for you, god knows you could have so much more strength than I do and I hope you use that to help the others who can't speak out.
I hope you all fight for your peace. But for me, it seems this time I'm not enough.
Thank-you readers for 2 years of support and inspiration.