This year has been a whirlwind. For me I’ve had successes
and have been given a great deal of bad news. However, I won’t go into a archetypal
‘Facebook’ like list of my triumphs and pitfalls. I want to structure my
reflection a little differently.
Every single year we change. Excuse the naff comparison but
each year is best described as a chapter in your book - and so much is crammed
into those pages. Each line signifies something that enthrals you and helps you
grow. Whatever is in that chapter, whether it be negative or positive, usual or
dramatic – it is never too late to start writing yourself a different story.
New Year often signifies a new start for so many people and I definitely
indulge in that perspective a little myself. I am well aware situations won’t change
overnight for me because of a number change in the date – but it holds
something morally substantial in the way that it forces us to reflect and
potentially look forward.
For me, 2015 was not what I imagined it to be but I feel so fortunate
to have experienced it. As I learned more about myself I broke into this centre
of myself where I could see everything from the most personal perspective and
create a striking sense of understanding about who I am. Apologies for the
disgusting cliché but amid the hollowing heartbreak, the poor health and the
repetitive urge to give up – I figured it all out.
I thought I’d have a different life. I built up these
fantasies inside my head only for them to never come true. When I sleep at
night, I often think about those dreams and ideals that were just never to
happen and it makes me feel this crawling in my stomach. I always told myself –
if you have no expectations, you can’t be disappointed but self-consciously I
expected the world.
Now, at the end of this year – I feel tired. The second half
of my year was a field of experimentation and rebellion. I tried so desperately
to figure myself out and I used all my energy up on giving love out to others
to the point where I was completely empty. So I changed my lifestyle,
drastically. You could call it ‘living for myself’. I just want to rid myself
of the extra effort and live in peace.
Now, I can stand back and comprehend that you can’t always
get what you want even when it’s right in front of you. The reason why you
can’t get what you want? Because sometimes you want the wrong thing and what is
good for you – I swear - will not go by you. I had these insatiable imaginings
when really they couldn’t ever work out – because they just weren’t the way my
life was supposed to go. The only thing I want now is happiness. I want to feel
happiness; I want to share happiness.
In 2016, I will be single which is potentially my biggest
adjustment. The last part of 2015, I started looking for someone to love to
only be disappointed every single time. I stopped looking for someone and took
a look at myself. Serendipity was always my favourite word, if something is
meant to be it will happen. I am meant to be happy. I am glad today that I am
alive because it means I still have that opportunity to be happy – and really,
I guess I am. My resolutions are to stop overthinking, to put my health first
and to continue to spread kindness to every single person.
I hope 2016 is your year, stay strong and open your eyes to
every experience in the wonderful book of your life.
Also, Justin Bieber released an immense album and redeemed
himself this year – if he can do that you can slay every single thing you want
to next year, promise.
