Monday, 21 September 2015

DAY 87


I was so ready to deal with everything, and I felt like I had everything together and there it is... the daunting feeling of being at art school. Not only is it massively stressful for everyone, you can only imagine the stress it has on someone with a mental illness. Having Bipolar Disorder means I'm monitored, and it seems I continuously have to choose: Professional life or my health? It's difficult, it really is.

Tomorrow I was supposed to have my bloods taken along with an appointment with CMHT. If I don't get my bloods taken, I'll be left without medication again. If I don't go to the CMHT, I'm not receiving the help and monitoring I need. Tomorrow is the second day of university and we are being given an 'intensive' project that means consistently attending the workshop - the part I hate - and basically if you miss a part, you get left behind. Both appointments are scheduled for this day, I hoped it would be a research part of the project so I could catch up but it's being taught how to do things which I am plain awful at. So, what can I do?

I've decided to cancel my CMHT appointment, because I don't have to urgently go. I have to miss the briefing and the important starting lessons at the beginning, because I need my bloods taken and there is no way to rearrange or get out of that - trust me, my group practice is borderline abusive with me cancelling appointments. Last year, was a massive struggle for me and I felt I had little support. I now have a new tutor who does not understand my disability and probably thinks I'm this massively lazy person. We have a student support department and they help me out as much as they can but they do not communicate with my tutors, so basically there is no point. It's only been a day and I'm falling behind, regardless of how much I want to keep up. I hate it.

Is this even counting for the fact that I get little enjoyment from my course? No. I want to finish what I started but it's so difficult, and it's even harder when the people around me do not understand what I'm going through and in turn I'm isolating myself from my tutors and my classmates.

I just massively moaned didn't I? No worries, I'll make tomorrow more pleasant. You know me!