Friday, 11 September 2015

DAY 83

I've been unmedicated for a day now, and I won't get my medication back until next week. Considering the stress I was under, I'm worried I'll just lose control of myself and ruin my own recovery. It's a very difficult life. Balance is almost impossible to gain, and I had it but now I feel like someone's pulling the rug from under my feet. I've never felt so much stress in my whole entire life, and I'm not even sure about what I'm stressed about. It feels like everyone is talking at me and I kind of want to run away.

So I've done what any intellectual young lady with Bipolar Disorder will do, I listened to a ton of Ignition by R Kelly. It actually makes me feel much better when no-one else can successfully make me feel great at the moment. I almost hate typing these words because I know that a whole host of people that are close to me are reading this. But I am having a tough time, basically the issue is that I don't have the normality I was used to and I don't know how to feel about situations anymore.

I kind of feel like everything I ever believed was a lie. It's ridiculous and crazy, but that's how I feel. I have doubt in almost everything now and I'm terrified of hurting the feelings of those around me that I do indeed love, but would like to disappear for a short while til I learn how to breathe properly again. That's a good explanation for it. Everything feels a little claustrophobic. I give everyone a half-truth too. I can only actually count on myself at the moment and it's terrifying. I may have written yesterday, but I really want an island to disappear to. I'm struggling a lot.