Thursday, 10 September 2015

DAY 81

I woke up ill and stressed again, I had the psychiatrist so I sat through that appointment whilst he spoke about new drugs for me and he discussed hospitalization and what it means.

A bad situation kind of occurred when I got home and I had my first panic attack in months. I was terrified and I decided whilst my day was bad, I wanted to get something over with and out in the open.

Me and a friend who isn't a friend went to a seaside town together where we talked about our memories and history. It was a cleansing experience and nice to know we could still get on. They were polite, kind and even laughed a little on occasion. I get the feeling I wasted their time, but this felt like I was going to get the closure I wanted. It was also very incognito, I've never been in the company of someone who is almost ashamed of me before, but I could at least understand. After everything, do I feel any closer? I don't know.

Now the experience is over, I guess I have the answers I wanted. I have to speak almost anonymously about this, I don't want to ruin my blog by missing a day but a lot did go on and I can't really talk about it. I feel okay though, I think. I feel like I wanted to get answers, but they just wanted to clear their conscience, which feels, yeah, crappy. My mental illness is a massive burden on others and people seem to be hung up on what causes things like my depression or rather who causes it, because they don't want the guilt of it. It leaves me a little used, somewhere along the line who I am as a person is forgotten. I just want people to like me and I think they just want to pack the memory of me cleanly away. That sucks.

One day the people around me now, or I'll find people, who know how to treat me with my mental illness. I guess I learned this lesson the hard way, and I've learned that you can't make people understand and you can't make people like you. They could be your ten and you could be their two, people are hard to gel and it's particularly hard when you have an illness that they can't understand.

People who make the effort have the best chance at understanding, but some people never will. I don't think you should beat yourself up about it, just realise how lucky you are to have noticed.

I have an electric personality and I'm mildly good looking with a ton of friends, I  might be ill but I'm still a pretty cool person.