Monday, 7 September 2015

DAY 79


Today was a day to adjust into normality, I feel like social media really dwindles my brain. I find when I have a ‘normal’ day at home doing ‘homely activities’ – I start checking Facebook more frequently. There are genuinely not many interesting people on my Facebook, it’s mostly people sharing photos of babies which is what every barren woman likes to see on a daily basis. I’m lucky enough to have a sense of humour, and I’ve pretty much always preferred animals anyway.

What I find though in my family is that by having a child you suddenly get this golden gate pass to ‘Affection Island’. Living as a young individual at university, I’m so easily forgotten about and I find it strange. My academic and professional achievements are celebrated wildly by my dad, his family and a few siblings but it seems like whatever personal achievement I have is so inferior to these people who have little families – of which I’ll probably never have.

It’s confusing but I always grew up curious at this idea that a lot of my family celebrated engagement, marriage and children like it was the most excellent thing in the world. I don’t think you can relate having children to getting a degree, but it does feel a bit like I work my ass off with little commendation. I’m very lucky that I’m a motivated individual and that I don’t expect a well done, but a lot of my family don’t know how to spell my name.

However, if I got married or had a child – a whole host of cousins would come out of the caves to applaud me. I’m 20, a lot of my maternal family have children at this age point but I think it’s far too young anyway – I have no intention of getting married because I enjoy living as an individual, and the idea of an all frills wedding invokes a little bit of sick in my mouth. Maybe I’m really bitter because I’m the one in my family who can’t have children whilst everyone else is pregnant with their eighth. But I don’t see why I don’t deserve affection as an individual, and I shouldn’t have to become Mrs Babypopper to receive that either.

I’m that ‘career girl’, the one that everyone feels is intrinsically lonely because she’ll never have this typical family life. Here is my biggest complaint though:
Why can’t people accept that we all live different lives?

I love being an auntie more than anything, I keep up with One Direction and Zoella so I can talk to my nieces Chelsea-Ann and Cara. I may never have a child but I am okay with that so why can’t the people around me be okay with that? Professional success can’t be compared to personal success. Getting pregnant is one of our physical wonders, so simple that fourteen year olds can do it! But my body can’t do it. Anyone can work their way to a degree, and so my achievements are essentially thrown away.

Other than being probably more critical of family life than others (Do you really need EIGHT?), I think I’m pretty okay with my life and the way it’s going. I’m excited for my future as me and my partner have a pretty solid plan for dogs (Three by the way!). If people can’t appreciate me for the childless woman I am and will always be then bugger it, don’t come to me for babysitting duties!

If you can get your head around the fact that I might just be a crazy animal lady, I’ll totally look after your children because I really love kids and just looking after people in general. It seems I’m very much a maternal person, heck I might even get a pet duck!

I think we should stop comparing our situation to others, I mean we’re not all going to get married, move to the suburbs and have a thousand kiddies. It may sound wild to some men, but as a woman I can just be a career lady! It’s a shame that I’ll never get the commendation my relatives will get off some people in my family, but it’s all good because I’m pretty awesome and I’m pretty happy the way I am!

I have supportive family, my dad’s side are excellent and my siblings are great. I’m never going to live the life that a lot of people want me to, and I apologise to those who are desperately waiting out for a wedding invitation so I can pay for your dinner for the night. I’ll be spending my money on nice things for myself – and for my amazing nieces!

Mental Illness brings an overwhelming amount of pressure and not all of us have this fully supported environment, there will always be people who you can’t get to ‘love’ you. I can’t change my situation – but I can choose how I respond to it. Not everyone will be happy with your life choices, but if you are then that’s all that matters.


Oh, and I’m serious about the three dogs.